Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
I catch my breath, like even just saying that much was a strain. I want to stop myself from going on, but I can’t.
“We were five and Kieran was eight when he came to Hawthorne Heights. We didn’t know who he was, but suddenly Mother and Father were fighting more, and she couldn’t bear to be around Kieran. Not even to look at him. I instinctively understood that Father had done something wrong. This kid’s features had something in common with mine and Simon’s and Father’s. And his age…Mom would have been trying to conceive even that far back.”
“He had an affair?”
“We’ve never confirmed it, but it’s not something I’ve ever needed to confirm. Kieran was grief-stricken when he came. His mother had just died in a car accident, and he was so sad without her. Even as kids, I think Simon and I pieced it all together, but as we got older, it all made so much sense. How Father had to take him in because, even though he wasn’t a cousin or an uncle, he had nowhere else to go. How suddenly we stopped having birthday parties, couldn’t have friends over. How Mother started unraveling. He was only here for a few years before she started drinking more, taking pills. Father pretended everything was fine. He would take us on exotic trips. When we asked about Mother, he made excuses for her strange behavior. But eventually, she refused to leave the house. No matter what Father did, she just kept screaming and crying. One night, I found her in the library. Not moving. I knew before I even approached her that she was gone, but I lied to myself that she’d just passed out, like she had in the past.
“It felt like just a few minutes, but Father and the staff said I must’ve been in there for at least an hour, trying to get her limp body on her feet.”
“Oh God, Ryan,” Jonas says, and now he’s tearing up too. “You said you were nine when that happened?”
“Yes.”
“That sounds horrifying. I can’t even imagine what that must’ve felt like.”
I bat at the warm tears sliding down my cheeks. “It was horrible, but that nightmare brought Simon, Kieran, and me closer together. Now Kieran wasn’t alone in knowing the agony of losing a mother. Father turned cold and quiet. He couldn’t be there for us, not how we needed him to be, so for many nights, we would share a bed together, just hold whoever was crying the most. It was a very deep love that we shared for each other during those dark days.”
Jonas must sense the grief that’s rising up because he moves closer, resting his hand on my arm. It’s nice just knowing he’s here. That for once in these past few years, I don’t have to carry this alone.
“As we grew older, Father became even more reclusive, so Simon and I only had him, the staff, and Kieran. I was about sixteen when I developed intense feelings for him. So intense that they were all-consuming. I couldn’t go a day without thinking about my brother. Simon knew this and encouraged it. But I let this go on until I was eighteen. Then one day, I went into Father’s office. Simon and Kieran were… I can’t even say it.”
A flash of nude flesh on Father’s desk…and it took me only a moment to recognize…
And now the tears are as fresh as they were that day.
There’s more, but I can’t fucking say it.
I can’t fucking bear it.
“Farther along down the creek, there’s a place where Kieran, Simon, and I used to play. It has a steep drop-off with rocks at the bottom. The day after I caught Simon and Kieran in Father’s office, that’s where Kieran’s body was found. And Father, determined to keep anyone from knowing about his other son, made sure everyone knew he was just a workhand at Hawthorne Heights, so it wouldn’t matter to anyone. Like Kieran was nothing, nobody.”
Suddenly Jonas’s arms are around me. He must sense my distress. I’m a child wandering back through the past, grappling with the same horrors as in those twisted days. “Oh, Ryan,” he says as I embrace the safety of his hold. It reminds me of those nights with Simon and Kieran, when we would embrace each other and let our pain sear through us, knowing we were safe even in the worst of it because we had each other.
I cling to Jonas as the tears break free while rage, guilt, and shame push to the surface, seizing control of me.
“Please don’t ask for more than that. I can’t give any more. I’m sorry, Jonas. I’m so sorry.”
There’s a burning sensation in my chest, and I remind myself that as long as he keeps his arms around me, eventually, it will fade. But there’s a lump in my throat, from those things I can’t share with him.