Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Despite the apprehension he’s stirred, there’s an eagerness in my belly. Why is it so exciting to know he likes spending time with me?
“I like spending time with you too,” I confess, nearly forgetting his initial statement that made me so nervous, but only nearly.
My reciprocation doesn’t change the tension in his jaw and shoulders. If anything, his wandering gaze seems even more agitated, which confuses me that much more.
“Maybe I’m not being explicit enough,” Jonas says. “I like you. A lot. Not just more than I’ve ever liked a man, but more than what I’ve felt for anyone I’ve had a romantic interest in. And I don’t want to push you, but there are things I want to know about. About you. About why I’m here.”
“What kinds of things?”
But I know what’s coming before he says, “I want to know the truth about Kieran. The whole truth.”
Instinctively, I turn away from him. Fuck, my eyes are already watering.
I can’t. I won’t! No one can see the darkness in me, especially not him.
I’m ready for him to pressure me. To insist he needs to know, demand I tell him what I’m hiding, but he says, “If you tell me right now that you have to have your secrets, I’ll respect that. I’m not bringing this to you because I want to cause you pain. I just… Since we started messing around, I want to understand you. Ryan, I don’t think you understand how drawn to you I am. I’m infatuated with you. And I’m scared to be honest because I don’t want it to scare you off, but…I’m maybe even obsessed. Your face, your cock, your touch, your kiss, your playfulness, your seriousness. Your laugh…damn, that laugh. Even when I’m not with you, I find myself thinking about all these sides you show me.”
As guarded as I’ve become since he said my brother’s name, his words again set me at ease and elicit my own confession. “You’re not the only one who’s obsessed, Jonas.”
He moves even closer to me. A part of me wants to sprint away to protect myself, but another part wants to face him and share my feelings.
Don’t tell him. He can’t know anything. He’ll hate you.
“I can tell this piece of your past means so much to you, and I want to know it because it’s a piece of you. Because I’m greedy. I want to know everything about you—the good, the bad, the messy.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew the truth. Of what happened to Kieran. Why Simon hates me now.”
Why Father’s dead.
As I turn back to him, I find him at my side, his gaze on my face.
I worry that just looking at me in this vulnerable state, he’s seeing more than he should. That he’ll read my secrets off every slight movement, every twitch of my eyebrows.
But I don’t sense any judgment or anger. And his face, it reminds me of nights when he holds me in his arms and I gaze at him, just knowing all he wants is me.
I want to give him more, but I fear if he knew the truth, he’d see me for the monster I really am.
“Nell mentioned Kieran was your brother…or half brother, I guess.”
A rush of anger pulses in me. What right did Nell have to tell him that? What right does he have to know it? And why has he come here to torture me with it?
Before I can react, he says, “I just want to know the truth about who he is. Nothing else. I want to know who this man was and why he meant so much to you.”
The sincerity in his tone and expression makes it difficult to cling to my knee-jerk anger. Given the time we’ve spent together, the things we’ve shared, is it so unreasonable for him to want more? But there’s more to it than that.
“Don’t you realize that if I start down that path, there’s no turning back? It’ll all come racing back. The intensity. The fun. The laughter. And then…everything else.” My gaze meets his, and I’m about to snap. To tell him to fuck off. Tell him he doesn’t have a right to know about these things. Tell him he can go to hell for even asking and that the agreement we’ve made is off. But as I try to push the words out, I betray myself and say, “Nell was telling the truth, yes. He was our half brother.”
Why did I say that? I didn’t have to say that!
Tears rush to my eyes. Fuck, I want to keep it together, but also, I’m so fucking tired of keeping this secret buried inside me.
Yet even confirming that simple fact, it’s as I feared—the floodgates open. I can’t bear to carry this anymore, and my shame possesses my lips. “I always knew Kieran as my brother. Father and Mother said it was a secret…just for the family. After Mother died, Father told us that years before we were born, she had issues conceiving. Even with IVF, it was just failure after failure. From what I understand, she took it hard, as if she had some sort of defect. The doctors tried to tell her it wasn’t worth it to keep trying, but she and Father threw every cent they had at it until she finally conceived.”