Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
As another tear trails along the path of another that came before, Jonas puts his warm hand to my face, wiping the tear. I don’t feel like a man, but like that child who just wanted his father to be there for him. Needed his father to be there for him.
“That’s so much trauma,” Jonas says, “and in such a short span of time. None of it is your fault, though. I hope you know that.”
“But it is. I’ve thought about it a thousand times. If I’d known the outcome, maybe I could have just taken it. Kept that secret for the rest of my life. I’d have hated Kieran forever, but at least everyone would still be alive.”
“You’re not responsible for how they responded to the truth.”
“A part of me knows you’re right. But it’s one of many in the mix. Like there’s a part of me that still adores Kieran, that wants to hear his laugh and see his smile again, and then there’s another part that hates him for what he did, and I hate myself for wanting to remember the good times. There’s the part that tells me to forget one stupid afternoon by the shed, and another that’s jealous of Simon. And then there’s yet another part that’s asking what this is really all about, and it’s all so twisted up and confusing. I always thought if someone was raped, it had to be by someone they didn’t want anything to do with. Not someone I loved with all my heart. Someone I lusted after and desired. And there are moments where I do still think about that man I lusted after, and I hate myself for that. I hate myself.”
As I crumble in a fit of tears, Jonas moves close, his arms wrapping around me.
Safe in his arms, I say the thoughts I’ve kept to myself all these years. “Why did he do that? Why did he…” And then the sobs begin anew.
Jonas doesn’t try to answer my question. Just holds me, and that’s what I need right now. Just to be in his arms, for the first time sharing this story with a man who’s just listening.
A man who believes me and cares, unlike Simon or Father.
26
JONAS
I hold Ryan close. After everything he’s shared, he needs me.
Just thinking about what Kieran did and how his father treated him after he exposed his rapist brother makes my blood boil.
As his breathing steadies and the sniffles pass, I rub his back.
“I’m sorry for unloading all that on you,” he says as he finally pulls back, red around his eyes, some of it from crying, some of it from wiping at the tears. “I couldn’t let you only have Simon’s messed-up version of the truth.”
“Have you talked to him about this? I know you said you told your dad, but maybe he just doesn’t understand.”
His gaze sinks. “Jonas, he knows. And I think he’s already found out about us.”
“What?” Where the hell did that come from?
“He’s not an idiot, and with how we’ve both been carrying on, he’d have to be an idiot not to know. And he wouldn’t just tell you something like that without reason.”
“Why do you think he told me?”
“I think he suspects we’ve gotten close, and he told you because he knew I’d have to contradict it.”
I wouldn’t put anything past Simon, not with everything I know, but I can’t make the pieces fit. “Wouldn’t he have told me the deal was off and asked me to leave?”
“He doesn’t need the deal to be off. You don’t know how he’s using you. Neither of us does, so he can still use us like pawns, and clearly this was no different.”
“But if he knows what really happened, why that story? Especially if he knew you were going to tell me the truth.”
“So I’d have to replay that nightmare again. Relive it. Because he knew I couldn’t bear the thought of you thinking any part of it was true. And he knew I’d have to look at you after I told it.”
I rest my hand against his face once again, stroking my thumb across his cheek. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I didn’t want to leave you questioning…wondering if there was any truth to what Simon told you.”
I’m skeptical of his conclusion that Simon knows, but at the same time, who would know Simon better than Ryan? Maybe he’s picked up on something I can’t because I just don’t know his brother as well. Or maybe he’s so used to Simon’s mind games that he doesn’t put anything past him.
“If he has found out about us,” I say, “do you think he’ll change his mind?”
“As long as you keep playing the game like he wants you to, you’ll be good.”
He sounds confident, but I can’t imagine why. He can’t know that for sure.