Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
“I can’t believe you’re here and I didn’t know. It’s the strangest thing. I didn’t plan to come and see Doug today, but…I just needed to, and now I find you here. I think…I think this is a sign.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Do you have time to sit with me for a moment?”
“Of course. Always.”
We walked over to the courtyard. Stone tables dotted the surrounding garden. We sat at one of them, and as soon as we did, I saw her eyes were wet.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She nodded and wiped her eyes.
Doug’s mom had always been a bit different from his father. She went along with what he said, yeah. She never spoke up when he’d put pressure on Doug, but I’d always wondered if she would have accepted him in ways I knew his father wouldn’t if he’d come out. I’d told Doug that more than once, but he’d been too afraid of losing them. It was a shitty way of the world that people had to fear losing those they loved because of who else they loved.
Annie said, “I have something to admit to you.”
“What is it?” I frowned.
“I know…about the two of you. I’ve always known. Well, maybe not always, but I’ve known since you were teenagers.”
My breath was sucked out of my lungs. “What?”
“I always wondered about Doug…moms know, but I also knew his father. I’m not proud to admit, I hoped it wasn’t true. His dad, he wouldn’t have understood, and I knew how much his father’s approval meant to him. I wasn’t ever sure, though, until I noticed the way things changed between the two of you. Subtle touches, the way you looked at each other when you thought no one was watching. He was in love with you.”
I looked down, closed my eyes. She knew. All this time, I couldn’t believe she knew. “I was in love with him too.”
“I know. It made sense to me back then, why I didn’t say anything. I wanted the two of you to come out on your own terms, or hell, maybe I was just saving myself. Maybe I was putting my best interests above my son’s. I’ll always wonder, and I’ll always regret it. But I don’t know why I didn’t tell you I knew after his accident. Maybe because I was ashamed that I let him fear coming out…that I let him carry that burden. That I wasn’t a good mom.”
“He loved you. He loved you so damn much, and he knew you loved him. He didn’t worry about you. He worried about his dad.”
“I still should have done something about it.”
“Maybe,” I answered honestly. “But hindsight is twenty-twenty. You knew, and you loved him. That’s what matters.”
We were quiet for a moment, each coming to terms with our own truths, I thought. It was me who spoke first. “I fell in love again. I couldn’t, before, not with Doug still alive. I felt too guilty. Like I was betraying him. And I loved him so much, at first I still only wanted him, and then I wasn’t sure I could open myself up that way again, but it just happened, and I might have ruined it. Because I couldn’t… It was still too hard. That’s why I’m here. I needed to tell him. I needed to say goodbye.”
Annie reached over and grabbed my hand. “You listen to me. You made my son happy. He thought the sun rose for you. He loved you so much, and there is nothing in the world he would want more than your happiness. He would want you to love someone. He wouldn’t want you to hold on to him forever. He wouldn’t want you to live in his memory. He would want…he would want you to be free…and he would want that for himself too.”
My hands started shaking. I thought I’d cried all my tears, but there were more, these a slow trickle down my face. I knew what she meant, but even though I knew, I asked, “What do you mean?”
“I’ve been thinking…for a while now I’ve been thinking it was time to set him free, but how could I? I didn’t know how. And then last night I dreamed about him, and in the dream he told me he wanted me to be happy. He told me it was time to let him go, and he…said it was time for you to let him go too. I know that sounds crazy, believe me, I know it does, but I woke up crying. I woke up smelling him in my room, and I felt like he was there with me. Like I had a conversation with him. I told him I loved him, and I told him I knew about the two of you. We cried together, and he said he loved me, he loved you, but it was time for him to go. I tried to deny it all day, but I couldn’t. I felt him, and I know it was real. I’ll never believe it wasn’t. Doug was on my mind all day, trying to get me here, and I show up and see you…and you’re here to tell him you fell in love. I…” She took a couple of deep breaths as if to calm her breathing. “I think he was holding out for us. I think he wanted to make sure we were okay, and now he knows it’s time for him to move on. We’re happy. We’re okay. That’s all he ever wanted.”