Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83085 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 415(@200wpm)___ 332(@250wpm)___ 277(@300wpm)
He would have been the best dad, spouse, friend.
“I, um, I met someone. Well, I’ve known him for a while. He’s Kellan’s older brother, Griffin? I’ve told you about him before too. God, you would love him. He’s more serious than me, like you always were. Keeps me grounded that way, I guess. But we, um…we started seeing each other a while back. It was supposed to be just like everyone else, ya know? A little fun, some sex. But I’m pretty sure I knew from the start it would be more than that. I know I did.”
My eyes were blurry, filling with tears. Every time I wiped them away, more took their place. This was hard. Fuck, this was so goddamned hard. I wished Griff was here with me, helping me through it. That’s how I knew I was doing the right thing.
“I’m in love with him. I know I promised you I’d never do that. I said I’d wait for you or stay single because I loved you, Christ, I loved you so fucking much. I still do, but I love him too. And that feels like such a big fucking betrayal to you. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be happy, and that was taken away from us. I hate that every day, Doug. I do, but God, I love him. And he deserves for me to be able to love him wholly. I deserve it too.”
My voice kept breaking. I could hardly see him, I was crying so much. My hand was hurting, I held him so tightly, but I couldn’t let go, couldn’t ease up. “You deserve better than you got, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t change it. I’d trade places with you if I could, but I can’t, and I want to be happy. I want to be happy so fucking much, and that feels wrong since you can’t be. But I don’t know how to live without him, Doug, and I don’t think…I don’t think you’d want me to, so I’m here because I have to…I have to find a way to let you go. Not completely. Never completely. You will always be my best friend. You will always be the first person I’ve ever loved. I’ll always love you, but I’m in love with him, and I have to tell you I’m going back on my promise. I have to be honest about that, if I can ever hope to move forward with him. Please understand. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I lost it then, unable to hold back as I cried. I leaned over the bed, held his hands, kissed them.
I cried for the loss of him. For the loss of us.
I cried because the world was robbed of one of the best people I’d ever known. Someone who was strong and loving and always did the right thing. Someone who was serious but knew how to laugh, someone who loved me fiercely.
I cried because Doug would have changed the world. He had changed mine.
I didn’t know how long I sat there with him. Eventually there were no tears left, but the ache still sat heavy in my chest.
I didn’t leave the chair. I held his hand and talked to him. I recounted old stories from our childhood, asked him if he remembered certain things, even though he couldn’t reply. I told him more about Griffin and our friends. I talked about new music I thought he would like, and classic movies we’d loved and how they remade some of them but they didn’t hold a candle to the originals.
I talked until my voice was raw.
With each word, each laugh, I was healing inside. I would never stop loving him in some ways. I would never totally walk away from him. I would always check in and always come to visit, but somehow I felt the change, like things were transforming.
I felt like I’d been asleep, like I’d lived half a life, fucking and joking and pretending everything was okay, but I’d been holding myself back, locking myself up.
Yet Griffin still found his way inside. He gave me the key, and Doug was letting me twist it in the lock.
“I know you’d want me to be happy. You probably know I haven’t been, not really, but I am now.” I stood, leaned over, and kissed his forehead. “I love you. Thank you for understanding. I’ll come and see you again soon, okay? And I’ll bring Griffin with me. I know you’ll want to meet him.”
I brushed the blond hair off his forehead, looked at him one more time, and walked out.
I’d just stepped outside when I heard, “Joshua? My Lord. What are you doing here?”
“Annie, hey. It’s so good to see you.” I pulled Doug’s mom into a hug.