Series: Fever Falls Series by Riley Hart
Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 81426 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81426 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
“You needed me to feel like you had someone to take care of. You’ve always been a caretaker. Those were our roles.”
That made me frown. “Yes and no, but you’re a caretaker too, and you do as much for me as I’ve always done for you. I felt…lost when you were away at college. No one knew it. I didn’t tell anyone—especially you because I wanted you to enjoy it—but that’s how I felt.”
Sawyer gasped, but I didn’t wait, just kept going. “And as happy as I am that you’re with Carter, there’s a part of me that’s jealous…that feels like I’m losing you. Sort of fucked, right?” Christ, I couldn’t believe I’d admitted that.
“What? No. It’s not fucked. You’ve always been and will always be my very best friend. You’re one of the most important people in my life. That will never change. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
I shrugged. “You said it yourself—those weren’t our roles.”
Sawyer nodded, then reached over and plucked a cookie from my lap.
“Those are mine!”
“Mom is going to be pissed. I’m blaming it on you.”
“I’ll help her make more.”
We were quiet for a moment, just sitting there eating our cookies that we were supposed to eat the next day, before Sawyer said, “But Jude helped…having him. That made you feel less alone? If that’s even how you felt.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “It was, and he helped.”
“You’re in love with him.” Sawyer didn’t ask, simply told me, and I nodded.
“Yeah.” There was no reason to try and deny it. Not to Sawyer.
“You’ve never felt this way before.”
I didn’t know why all these years I never told Sawyer about Henry. I’d never told anyone about Henry other than Jude, but I wanted to tell him now. “Yes and no. I’ve never loved anyone the way I do Jude. He’s it for me, BB. I know it. But there was a guy when you were away at college. He’s still local, so I can’t tell you his name.”
Sawyer’s eyes widened. “What? Holy shit. What happened?”
“He hated being gay,” I admitted. “He felt it was wrong…still feels that way. He’d feel like shit after we were together, but then he’d call me and want to be with me. We were never seen in public together. Hell, he didn’t even want anyone to know we were friends, but I loved him and knew he loved me. Not enough to want to be with me, though. He broke it off with me and promptly asked a woman to marry him. They’re still together, have a few kids. You know how the story goes.” It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest, telling Sawyer that, opening up to him.
“Wow…I’m a little shell-shocked here. I don’t know what to say. You deserve better than that. You deserve every damn thing you want. I want to kick this guy’s ass, and I’m not a fighter.”
I chuckled. “Nah, it’s not worth it. He’s the one suffering. I just feel…so fucking sad for him…”
“Especially after having Jude,” Sawyer finished for me, and he was right. Henry would never know something like what Jude and I had. “But you’re afraid too, right? Because Jude hasn’t been with a man before, and sure, he’s fine and comfortable in our little gay bubble, but what about the rest of the world? What about his family? His dad?”
“I can’t believe you said gay bubble. Carter is rubbing off on you, and ew, that sounds gross, but you know what I mean. Jude and I are bi, remember? So wouldn’t our bubble be bi? Or an LGBTQIA+ bubble if it’s for all of us?”
“Stop trying to change the subject.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I am afraid of that.” There was really no sense in trying to deny it. Jude would never want to hurt me, but then, I didn’t believe Henry had either. Those things happened, and things didn’t always go the way you wanted them to.
Sawyer was quiet, and I knew him well enough to know the wheels were turning inside his brain. Finally, he said, “There was someone for me too…in college.”
“Excuse me, what? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he countered.
“Because… I obviously didn’t think this through. Because I said so?”
Sawyer rolled his eyes. “He wasn’t…he wasn’t good to me.”
My whole body tensed, and my heart pounded against my chest. If someone had hurt my brother and I didn’t know…I would never forgive myself. For not knowing, for not being there for him. “Wasn’t good to you how?”
“I’m getting there. I know now that I didn’t love him, but I thought I did. He wasn’t physically abusive, but he would…say mean things to me. He made me feel horrible about myself. Cheated on me time and time again and told me no one would want me. I believed him for a long time.”