Series: Fever Falls Series by Riley Hart
Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 81272 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 406(@200wpm)___ 325(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81272 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 406(@200wpm)___ 325(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
“I didn’t have friends. I didn’t have nice clothes. No one talked to me, and I was both okay with that and craved something more at the same time. The older I got, the more the bullying and name-calling intensified—fag, queer, fairy—you name it.” Jesus, this was hard. It took me back to those days, made me angry at myself for having taken it, yet also proud of myself for where I was now. Still, I was letting it hold me back.
“I’m right here. Nothing you tell me is gonna change how I look at you.”
Without direction from me, my head just…nodded. Because I knew Rush well enough to know that. I trusted him. “There was this guy my senior year—Martin. Fuck, I hate even saying his name now. He had this huge group of friends and fucked all the girls, but I would catch him watching me, looking at me in class in a different way than everyone else did. I used to walk through the woods to get home. There was this old, abandoned cabin out there. It was my spot. I used to go there to be alone, which is weird as fuck because I was always alone.”
“I wish I had been there with you,” Rush said.
“I wish you could have been too.” I placed my hand on his, twining our fingers together. “One day he was out there—scared the fuck out of me. I thought he was there to kick my ass or something, but he just…he started talking to me, Rush. Day after day after day he would meet me and we’d go to that old, abandoned cabin and talk. He ignored me at school, didn’t change how he acted there, but for the first time in my life I had a friend. Before I knew it, I was teaching him math and we were laughing together. One day he held my hand, and I about lost my shit. There was more touching after that, which led to kissing.”
Rush’s body tensed up beside me, his hand tightening on mine. Still, I didn’t stop. I knew if I did, I wouldn’t continue. “It was everything I’d thought I wanted, Rush. I didn’t give a shit if we were secret. Someone liked me, cared about me, wanted me. I didn’t feel alone, and I’d always felt alone before that.”
My breathing sped up, and it became difficult to keep it under control.
“Hey…we’re good. We can talk about this later, Red. We’re okay.” Rush’s arm was around me, his hand in my hair, but I shook my head. I wanted to do this. Needed to.
“I’m okay. I want to share this with you. I’ve never shared it with anyone.”
Rush nodded, kissed my temple, and I continued. “It was months after we started, when I went there and Martin wasn’t alone. His friends were there, laughing, taunting. I could have sworn he looked at me with regret and sorrow, but fuck, that was gone when the names started and he joined in. At first I pretended it wasn’t what they thought, but they knew better. They called me the little fag…teased me about lusting for Martin’s dick, and Martin played it off like he hadn’t been involved. Not like he’d kissed me, held me, made me believe he really cared about me, but that I’d tried to kiss him and he’d turned me down.
“They had bananas and recorded as they told me to suck them—they said they’d kick my ass if I didn’t and I was young and scared and didn’t know what to do. They were laughing and making fun of me for wanting dick in my mouth like that, but I knew it was dangerous to stop playing their games. I begged them to leave me alone, not to make me do anything.” I shook my head, fought through the pain. “They didn’t hurt me. Not physically. They just made fun of me and moved on. Everyone at school knew the next day. They’d all seen the video. It was torture for the rest of the year, but I dealt with it. And when I went to college, I made the decision I wasn’t going to be ashamed of who I was. I’m gay, I like dick, love sucking it, and I wasn’t going to hide or mute that. I was going to be everything I’d always wanted to be, but I wasn’t ever going to trust anyone again.
“I worked hard to become the person I am. To be outgoing and confident. I blew who I wanted and fucked who I wanted. No one would make me ashamed of my sexuality again, but I still didn’t let myself truly get close to anyone.”
“Until Beau?”
“Yeah… Until him. It just sort of happened. He was the first person in the world I trusted after Martin. My first true friend. The closer I became to him, the easier it was for me to open myself up to more friendships. But it’s still hard sometimes, obviously. So, am I in love with Beau? No, Rush, I’m not, but there’s a part of me that will always need him. A part of me that’s afraid to lose him. It was hard when he first fell for Ash, and I guess I’m still working through that. I lost my parents, and I lost Martin. What if he realizes he’s better off without me too? It hit me tonight, and I apologize about that. I’m sorry if I hurt you. The last thing in the world I want is to hurt you, because as much as it would hurt me to lose Beau, it’ll kill me to lose you, and I’m so damn afraid of that happening.”