Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 79553 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 398(@200wpm)___ 318(@250wpm)___ 265(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79553 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 398(@200wpm)___ 318(@250wpm)___ 265(@300wpm)
“I can still remember the day I married your mom,” my dad says, placing his hand on my shoulder and gently turning me to face him. “As I watched her walk down the aisle, I knew I was the luckiest man in the world. She was carrying Camden, and she said she felt fat and ugly so many times, but when I looked at her, all I saw was the most beautiful woman, the love of my life. And I couldn’t wait to officially make her mine.”
As he recounts his memories from the wedding with a content smile on his face, I’m brought back to when I was a little girl, dressing up in my pretend wedding dress so I could marry my pretend fiancé, and begging my mom to retell the story of her wedding day. She would put on their wedding video, and we would watch, as my parents, with hearts in their eyes, promised each other forever. As a young girl, it would give me butterflies, imagining that one day I would fall in love and put on a pretty white dress and make the same promises to the man I wanted to spend my life with.
Only now, as I think about that, butterflies don’t attack my belly. Instead, anxiety roils in my stomach with the fear that I’m making a mistake. That while I’m dressed like a princess, Kyle isn’t my prince. I keep telling myself it’s my brain injury, but shouldn’t I feel something… anything toward him? Shouldn’t I be excited that in a few minutes, I’m going to walk down the aisle, exchange vows with him, and start our lives together?
“It was without a doubt the best day of my life,” my dad says, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Of course, it was… because you married your best friend,” I say robotically, knowing how the story ends. I’ve heard this same story a million times over the years, and both my parents always end it the same way.
“Well, that, of course, but also…” He softly palms my cheek. “Because it’s the day I became a dad.”
“Camden always has the worst timing,” I say, rolling my eyes playfully. Only my brother would decide he was ready to join the world the night of my parents’ wedding while they were attempting to consummate their marriage.
“That he does,” Dad agrees with a chuckle. “And yes, your mother giving birth was definitely part of making that day perfect, but what I was referring to was you.”
“Me?” I ask dumbly.
“Yes, you,” he says with a light laugh. “In case you forgot, you made me a dad first. Before Camden was born, I signed the papers to legally make you mine. It was also the first time you called me Daddy.” His lips curve into a watery smile. “Camden had just been born, and you were so excited. You looked up at me, and you said, ‘Wow, today is the best day ever. I got a daddy and a brother.’ And I swear, my heart swelled so big, I wasn’t sure how the hell it still fit in my chest.”
A choked sob escapes at his admission, and tears course down my cheeks. He thumbs a couple, smiling down at me. “I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become, K. You’re strong and independent, and your heart… fuck, it’s so big and full. I’m going to sound like a selfish asshole when I say this, but giving you away is probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, but if it means you have with Kyle, what I have with your mom, I know I have to be okay with it. Because that’s all I want for you, sweetheart. To find love.”
Something in me snaps at his admission. “I… I… I don’t think I do.”
His brow furrows. “You don’t think you do, what?”
“Have what you guys have.” My sobs strengthen, and it’s hard to see through my tears. “I keep telling myself that it’s in my head, it’s because of my injury, but I don’t feel anything. I don’t think… I don’t think I’m in love,” I cry out. “Oh my God, Dad. I don’t think… I know I’m not in love with Kyle.” It’s the first time I’ve said the words out loud, and while they suck, I know deep down they’re the truth. I don’t love Kyle. I’m not in love with him. He’s not my best friend, and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with him. “I’m broken, aren’t I? I’m broken, and now I’m going to break him because I can’t marry him.”
“What? No… No, K. You’re not broken.” My dad pulls me into his arms and guides us over to the couch. “Sweetheart, why would you think you’re broken?”
“Because I don’t know how to love anyone. I fuck up every relationship I’m in. I wanted what you and Mom have so badly, but I’ll never have it because I’m broken.” I cover my face with my hands and cry, hating myself and wishing I wasn’t so messed up.