Total pages in book: 98
Estimated words: 96833 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 484(@200wpm)___ 387(@250wpm)___ 323(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 96833 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 484(@200wpm)___ 387(@250wpm)___ 323(@300wpm)
Her eyes widened. “How did you know about that?”
“I overheard one of the gossipmongers at work talking about it.”
“Really? I never told anyone, but come to think of it, Kim from HR saw us out. That’s probably how they know.” We walked in silence for a few moments. “Aren’t you going to ask me how it went?”
“It’s none of my business.”
“You used to think I was your business. Just ask Alistair. What changed?”
“That was to protect you from him specifically. I have no business interfering if I don’t have a good reason.”
“I kind of liked it when you interfered, when you showed interest. It’s not fun when you go MIA. You disappeared again, even though you promised not to.”
“I know. But I caught myself this time. Why do you want me around anyway? Isn’t it better for everyone if I give you occasional space?”
She looked around us. “Who’s everyone? It’s just you and me in this equation. We’re the only two people sharing this experience. Phil and Kate are in the States. So yeah, I like having you around. It would be nice if you didn’t disappear again.”
When she put it that way, I felt like crap for continuing to distance myself. She needed my support. The fact that I no longer trusted myself shouldn’t have gotten in the way of being here for her. She was carrying my child, for heaven’s sake.
“Sometimes I think it’s better for you when I disappear.”
She slowed her pace. “Better for me, why?”
“Nothing good can come from us spending too much time together, Abby. Even if we don’t intend to grow close, that’s bound to happen if we’re constantly around each other.”
“So you think us getting close is a bad idea...” She walked a few steps in silence. “I understand. I might even agree.”
“Right.” I slipped my hands into my pockets. “It wouldn’t be good for you to get close to me.”
“I see where you’re coming from.” She knocked into me playfully. “But you’re like…a black and white cookie.”
“Christ, here we go!” I yelled up toward the sky. “You and the food references again. Black and white cookie? What the hell does that mean?”
“You know those cookies that are split down the middle? One side is white and the other is black—or chocolate. Everything is black or white to you. You only want to view me the way you think you should: as someone you need to have a boundary with because I’m the surrogate. But being a surrogate doesn’t change the essence of who I am. I’m also a woman in a new place looking for a pleasurable time and to make memories. I’m both of those things, a surrogate and a woman.” She paused. “And similarly, you can also know it’s not a good idea to get close to me and like me at the same time. Life is complicated that way.”
I kicked some dirt. “Why do your stupid analogies always make sense in the end?”
“I’m brilliant like that.”
We shared a smile.
“Who said I like you anyway?” I teased.
“It could be just a delusion of mine. But you did say men wouldn’t want to share me. And then you disappeared after that night I spent at your apartment. I feel like you’re keeping your distance to ensure no lines are crossed.”
“If I did like you, you realize that would be dangerous, right? The success of this entire endeavor depends on neither one of us getting emotionally involved. You need to be able to go back to the US and resume your life. And I need the ability to let go, if that’s what’s best for this child.”
She stopped walking and faced me. “You think what’s best for this child is a life away from its father?”
Her question cut like a knife. I didn’t have the answer, except to say, “I have no business raising another human alone, so yes. Phil and Kate are perfectly capable and still young enough.”
“So you’re firm in your decision to let them raise it? I wasn’t sure if seeing the ultrasound changed anything for you.”
My chest tightened as I thought about that little beating heart. I only wanted what was best for it, never wanted to disappoint it. There was so much fear inside of me when it came to that tiny soul.
“I can’t tell you how I’m going to feel once the baby is here,” I said as we resumed walking. “But as of now? My original decision stands. Phil and Kate made it clear they’re happy with that.”
“I hear you,” she muttered, disappointment in her tone.
Our conversation ceased for a while, replaced by the sound of crickets. Eventually I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “So…how did your date go?”
“Oh, now he asks.” She flashed an impish grin.
“Just changing the topic off of the deeper stuff.”