Total pages in book: 8
Estimated words: 6599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 33(@200wpm)___ 26(@250wpm)___ 22(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 6599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 33(@200wpm)___ 26(@250wpm)___ 22(@300wpm)
Chapter Four
THE SILENT … BUT DEADLY … TREATMENT
* * *
I know what you’re thinking, because I’ve found myself thinking of it plenty of times. What the fuck did I do wrong in my past life to warrant the dreaded silent treatment? I’ve come to many conclusions, my friend, and none of them bode very well for us. I’ve either said something wrong, did something wrong, thought something wrong, was about to do something wrong, or I was breathing too loudly ... or most likely all of the above. Now, most men would think receiving the silent treatment from their woman is an awesome, peaceful, holy experience ... but I know better than most men.
This is a painful, mind numbing, heart wrenching, stomach churning time, because I know when the silent treatment ends, a raging storm will take its place, and I will likely be left fighting for my life. The silent treatment is where the term ‘the calm before the storm’ came from. I have no proof other than male intuition. Women use this time of silence to plot a man’s downfall, they get creative about how they’re going to get you back for whatever it was you did to piss them off in the first place. Everything is done in stealth mode during the period of silent treatment, and nothing is what it seems.
Did your lady smile at you for no apparent reason? She was probably imagining pushing you down the stairs. Did she laugh at something you said when you weren’t even trying to be funny? She was most likely visualizing you swinging from the ceiling fan by your legs. Did she give you a little shove with a combination of a laugh and a smile? She is definitely practicing for the moment she pushes you into oncoming traffic.
—Don’t engage in conversation ... now is not the time to be a chatty Cathy—
The best thing you can do to weather the storm before it hits, is to man the fuck up and prepare. Have a plan, memorize the plan and stick to that goddamn plan. Have lotion and tissues on standby because you’re getting zero pussy until your woman decides otherwise. I’d advise you to take up yoga to improve your flexibility so you can spend a few nights on the couch without breaking your damn back. Have microwave meals stocked up in the freezer because your dinner is about to be burned to within an inch of its life every night for the foreseeable future. Pre-record all your favorite shows because unless your woman watches them with you, you aren’t allowed to watch them.
The storm will be rough no matter how well you prepare for it, so my last piece of advice to service the silent treatment with your balls still attached to your body is this: Keep out of your woman’s way whenever possible, and do not draw an unwanted attention. I’ve found that it is always good to constantly have one of your kids attached to your hip. Use that child as a human shield if you have to. Women are less likely to end you if you have their precious baby in your arms. It sounds harsh, but war always is.
We must sacrifice a few for the survival of many.
Chapter Five
IF SHE SAYS SHE’S NOT HUNGRY … SHE’S LYING
* * *
This applies to all females, no matter what their age is. My daughter learned this skill before she could even talk. If you’re snacking on something, your woman will be snacking on it too. Even if she says she’s not hungry. In all honesty, if she actually says the words ‘I’m not hungry’ then the chance of her wanting some of your food triples. That is a cold blooded fact.
Don’t get upset about it, don’t even question it, just share your precious food and then regroup and prepare yourself for the next time ... because there will always be a next time. Women have no boundaries when it comes to their man’s food, they don’t have the respect to back the fuck off, but it’s not their fault. It’s in their genetics to want what we have.
—Expect the unexpected ... because your woman expects you to share your food no matter what—
After many, many, fuck ups over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that even if you get your lady a plate of her own, even if it’s the exact same fucking food that’s on your plate, she will still pick grub that is specifically yours simply because she can. I believe this comes from the mentality women have that ‘what’s ours is theirs, and what’ theirs is their own’. In other words, they are greedy, hell dwelling bitches ... and they fucking know it.
Don’t worry though because I’ve only gone and found us a motherfucking loophole.