Total pages in book: 8
Estimated words: 6599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 33(@200wpm)___ 26(@250wpm)___ 22(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 6599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 33(@200wpm)___ 26(@250wpm)___ 22(@300wpm)
WHEN SHE’S MAD … BUT NOT MAD MAD
* * *
Trust me when I say that there is a difference between a woman being mad, and her being mad mad.
When she is simply mad, she is sitting pretty in a realm of annoyance and frustration, but when she is mad mad, that realm switches up to her thinking murderous thoughts and forming plans to act on them. Your sole job during this period of time is to keep your lady from reaching the terrifying territory of mad mad. I don’t give a flying fuck what you have to do to keep her from levelling up and Hulk smashing you into next year, you do it, and you do it with a big ass smile on your face--especially you, Alec. You have to try harder than the rest of us because you’re harder to live with. No shade, bro, just facts.
This is all easier said than done. Trust me, I know, but God wouldn’t have put us on this Earth if he didn’t think we were up to the challenge ... unless he just wanted to see us suffer unnecessarily, that is. For my sanity’s sake, I’m choosing to believe the former.
—This is not the time for any fuck ups, be calm, collected and you just might survive—
I’ve learned from past traumatic experiences that you don’t want to ask what is wrong with your woman once you have confirmed she is mad, this will push her to the mad mad stage instantly. We do not, under any circumstances, want that to happen. We want to defuse unwanted tension, and allow a veil of calm to fall upon the house. In order for this to happen, you have to be on your toes with plays, and back-up plays, secured within your arsenal. Plays that can be called upon at a moment’s notice. If she says jump, you say how high? If she says up is down, then bitch, up is now fucking down. Don’t question anything she does, no matter how stupid and ridiculous you think it is.
One thing I’ve found that always transfers your woman’s anger from you to someone else is to bring up a person you know that they hate. Just casually slide that shit into conversation as innocently as you possibly can. I like to focus on Keela’s cousin Micah because I know Bronagh and her hate one another. I’ll be cooking dinner or helping fold the laundry and randomly mention that I saw Micah in the street on my way home from work arguing with an elderly lady over a parking spot (a complete and utter white lie) and boom, the topic of discussion is now about how much of a raging bitch Micah is, while I’m now chilling in the land of the free.
You know your lady better than anyone so use what you know to distract her and use that shit against her. You’re probably breaking a wedding vow somewhere along the line, but look, she’ll feel better after a good bitching session, and you won’t be yelled at. All will be right in the world, and that is all that matters.
Chapter Eight
SHE WANTS FOOD … BUT CAN’T PICK WHAT FOOD
* * *
Jesus. Christ.
This chapter could be a whole book in itself because fuck. I’ll admit that the level of fury I reach because of this fucking bullshit about nowhere being good enough to eat because my woman ‘isn’t in the mood for it’ is astounding. More than a few times I’ve disregarded my own damn advice from previous chapters in this guide and engaged in pointless arguments with my wife because I simply couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. I’ve suffered because of that, but it can never be helped. This topic is one that gets me heated instantly. I’m here today to help you four learn from my mistakes.
—From the jump, don’t give her the power to make this decision—
I don’t know about you guys, but my woman isn’t the best at deciding on what food to eat when it’s not coming from our freezer. She weighs out everything in her mind and mentally goes through them one by one, each option being swiped away like a bad Tinder match because she ‘isn’t in the mood for it’. It reaches a point where nothing sounds good, and she still doesn’t know what the fuck she wants to eat. First of all, what you don’t do is go ahead and get food you want because it will start a whole other argument about how you don’t care if she gets fed or not. This was the only time in my twenty-year relationship that I contemplated pushing my wife out of the car while I was driving.
It was a low point, and all because she is an indecisive demon.