Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
JJ’s eyes shimmered with tears, but he valiantly held them back as he nodded.
“What got me through it was my ability to compartmentalize things. It’s gotten me through a lot of hard times,” I continued. As much as I didn’t want to delve into my past, I had to in order to make JJ understand how I felt about him.
“I was kept here in LA for the trial, so I was in county lockup. When I was convicted, they moved me to the federal prison in Colorado. That’s where things changed. Where I changed. When I’m in a better place in my head, I’ll tell you anything you want to know, okay?”
JJ nodded again.
“Right now, though, I’m going to tell you some things that will be hard for you to hear, but I swear to God, sweetheart, I’m not doing it to hurt you,” I explained.
He tensed but held himself straight. “Okay.”
“I never used to believe in that love at first sight bullshit, but the first time I saw you when I came home for good—I don’t know how to describe it,” I said as I held my hands open like they were supposed to somehow be holding the answers.
“I know what it feels like,” JJ said. Both of us had left behind the lighthearted game about kissing and remaining silent. “I don’t know if it was for the first time or second, but it doesn’t matter because it did happen. It was when I confronted you for the first time.”
I nodded. He was talking about the day I’d nearly hit him when he’d been standing in the middle of the road. Our confrontation had ended with not just one, but two passionate kisses.
JJ sent me a small, comforting smile that made it a little easier to get past whatever was lodged in my throat, trying to keep the words inside.
“While they were still holding me in jail for the trial, you were the only thing that kept me going. The fact that you’d survived blinded me to everything that was going on around me. I sat in that courtroom all day every day in the hopes that I’d catch a glimpse of you. Even though my lawyer had said you weren’t being called as a witness, I didn’t believe him. All I could focus on was seeing you walk into that courtroom and the first thing you’d do would be make eye contact with me. Then you’d smile and after that it would all be over, and I’d finally get to take you in my arms again.”
A few streaks of moisture slipped down JJ’s cheeks.
“You were my everything, JJ. When you didn’t come… when no one came, you were the hope I clung to night after night, day after day. When I finally accepted that you weren’t coming, you became the target of my hatred and rage. My fear, my loneliness; my need for vengeance, my need for forgiveness… I needed someone to focus on every minute of every day in that place to keep me from giving up. I did blame you for what happened to me.”
“I’m so sorry—”
I kissed JJ softly. I could taste the saltiness of his tears.
“I needed someone to keep me alive in that place, JJ. You were the only one who could. Not because I wanted to live out some fantasy of getting revenge, but because I knew if I hung on long enough, I’d get to see you again, touch you. I put you into compartments in my head and I tapped into them whenever I needed to deal with some kind of emotion. I couldn’t let any of it out. Showing weakness in that kind of place is the moment you sign your own death certificate.”
I could tell my words were tearing JJ apart, but I knew if I didn’t keep going, neither of us would ever truly begin to heal.
“Please don’t cry, baby,” I begged as more and more tears fell from his eyes. I pulled him into my arms and held him tight as he pressed his head against my chest. I could feel his tears dampening my shirt and his body was shaking, but he hadn’t made a sound. I covered his head with my hand and just held him until he’d physically calmed enough for me to continue. I didn’t let him go, though. I needed to cling to him as badly as he did to me.
“I told you I compartmentalized everything… all those things I was feeling. The one thing I could never put in a little box and store away in some part of my brain was my love for you. That never wavered. I swear that to you on my life, sweetheart,” I said before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
Relief flooded my body when I felt JJ nod against my chest.