Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I croaked because everything that boulder had been holding down started to hit me all at once.
Cass’s expression hardened and then he was releasing me. Agony tore through me at the rejection until I played my words back in my head. He thought I’d been talking about not wanting to be with him in the intimate embrace.
As he began to step back, I grabbed him by the hips and dragged him forward until there was no room for daylight between us. “I don’t want the games, Cass. Never again,” I breathed against his achingly close lips. “I don’t want to pretend that this—this thing between us isn’t real anymore. I don’t want to look at you and feel ashamed of everything I’ve done while you’ve been gone from my life. I…”
My heart stalled as I realized what I was about to admit to. It wouldn’t be something I just blurted out by accident. It wouldn’t be a strategic move to win some stupid game. It would be real. The words would be real, and I wouldn’t be able to take them back. No amount of humiliation and degradation would allow me to slip into that peaceful, painless place in my mind if the words were thrown back in my face.
My life would no longer be the lie that had protected me for so long.
I forced myself to pull in a deep breath that did nothing to slow my racing heart or ease the cramps in my gut. I raised my eyes to meet Cass’s because at some point during my little speech, I’d dropped them.
Cass’s silence made the words get stuck in my throat. He didn’t encourage me to continue but he didn’t try to stop me, either. I could already feel that boulder sinking down on my shoulders again.
“I… I can’t live my life as a ghost, Cass. The wish you made tonight, the one where you said you never should have touched me—even if I could remember it and somehow undo it, the truth is that I’m so fucking selfish that a tiny part of me wouldn’t undo it because that would mean you wouldn’t be here with me right now.”
I closed my eyes as I said the last part because we both knew what it meant. That selfish piece of me, no matter how small it was, didn’t want to acknowledge that Cass had been forced to live in a cold, dark, ugly world where there was only suffering because he had touched me. That self-serving part only recognized that all those things that had happened to Cass—those unforgivable, terrible things—had brought him into my life now and not two years earlier.
A harsh sob escaped my throat before I could stop it. I angrily wiped the tears away because I didn’t have the right to shed them.
“I can’t be the man you may have started to fall in love with two years ago, but I can be the one who loves you now. Today. I can try to be—”
That was all I got out before my breath was stolen as soft, demanding lips brushed over mine.
CHAPTER 23
Cass
JJ’s soft cry of surprise was the only thing that kept me from deepening the kiss. I could still hear every shaky word he’d spoken, every hard truth he’d admitted to. I’d lost count of the many times I’d wanted to interrupt him to set the record straight, but it had seemed like he’d been lancing a wound. We both had a lot of healing to do, but I didn’t care about that at the moment.
All I cared about were those few life-changing words he’d said. As broken as he’d been, he’d found the strength to tell me something that I’d given up on believing would ever happen.
And kissing him.
I cared a lot about that too.
JJ whimpered and wrapped his arms around my neck. The soft sound mixed with the desperate way he was clinging to me kept me from taking the kiss any further. His vulnerability was off the charts and there was no way in hell I was going to take advantage of that. I had too many things I needed him to understand before we went any further.
Since I had one hand at the back of his neck, I slid it into his hair and gently held him still so he’d be forced to focus on me and not the raging desire that was building inside of him.
The second I broke the kiss and put some space between us, JJ immediately tensed up.
“I’m sorry, this was a mistake,” he blurted. As expected, he tried to pull free of my grip.
“Cass, I need to go,” he said desperately as his need to escape kicked in. His already flushed skin deepened to an even darker shade of red and his body began to shake violently. “Cass—”