Total pages in book: 68
Estimated words: 66259 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66259 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
Board shorts? For real?
“Yeah…”
The hell? Is she twirling her hair? Does she like the eunuch?
“So technically…” Dustin clears his throat. “Priests aren’t eunuchs.”
“I said that out loud?” I glance over at Scarlett.
She just shakes her head at me like she’s disappointed and confused. “Oh yeah, that was Leather Pants.”
She pulls the phone away from her ear. “Stop yelling.”
He’s yelling? HE’S YELLING? What right does he have to yell?
She holds her phone out to me.
Shit.
I hold it to my ear. “H-hey, man.”
“You promised.”
My sigh is deep and full of self-regret. “Right, but this was booked for me, and I didn’t know, and she had car trouble at the gas station. Should I have just abandoned her?”
“Yes! You abandon her. You call a tow truck and you get your dick far, far away from her heart.”
I frown. “Do you really think that’s how it works because you’re a priest now or—”
“I had plenty of sex before becoming a priest, you jackass, I’m just saying, your dick probably would confuse her heart and—whatever. I don’t need to explain. Do me another favor. The minute you get there, go your separate ways. My flight was delayed, but I’ll be there in the morning and whatever you do, do not tell her about Chuck.”
My entire body freezes. “Oh um, okay, so what happened with Hank?”
“Chuck.”
“Code, man, code!”
“Sorry, I’m not a liar, so it’s hard to pick up on specifics.” Could his voice be any more patronizing? “Anyway, he escaped. I finally found him, but he’d gotten into my burrito.”
Seriously, burritos are from Satan.
“The ugh, beef?”
“Exactly. I think he might have grabbed some cheese by the glisten on his shell, but again, I think he’s good. The turtle sitter gets here in an hour and I’m gonna have her monitor him.”
“You’ll die if anything—”
“Shhh, it’s fine. At least he’s not at a wedding choking on champagne and watching you gyrate your hips, you heathen.”
“Did we just time travel to the nineteen fifties?”
He’s quiet for a minute. “Just… stay away. She’s fragile.”
I look up, and Scarlett is literally taking a straight shot of bourbon. “Yeah man, if you say so.”
She doesn’t even cough.
Damn girl, just damn.
“Why did you just start breathing heavy? Is your mouth open? Are you staring? Is she alive? And why aren’t you responding?”
“How could I when you take up every single second I’d be able to, dumbass?” I pull the phone from my ear, then put it back. “And sure fine, whatever you say, dick and heart protected.”
Scarlett finally starts coughing, Dustin hits her on the back.
I hand the phone over. “The celibate is all yours.”
She makes a face, grabs the phone, and holds her glass out again. This will not end well; this will not end well at all. She scrunches up her nose in a cute yet sexy way, and I’m ready to smile at her. Instead, I look away.
Adrian, what kind of priest is named Adrian anyway?
I can’t imagine God’s happy with this guy just… poking around everywhere and thinking lustful thoughts like the ones I’m thinking right now.
Son of a bitch, why does lipstick have to look pink sometimes? And why does she have to wear it? I’m a sucker for pink lipstick; it’s both innocent and enticing but at the same time so light that it’s sexy, it invites you in. Pink lipstick is a curse from the pit of hell.
I look up.
She tugs her bottom lip with her teeth. Classic move when you want to get kissed, but she’s currently smiling into her cell, and she’s not doing that for me, nor is she looking at me.
I snatch the whiskey bottle and dump more in my glass.
“Um,” Dustin starts talking. “Do you think—”
“Not right now, Dustin!”
He holds up his hands. Are they shaking.? “Oh, um, okay well we’ll be there in the next forty minutes, so maybe, take it easy.”
Bourbon splashes over my glass as I point to her with it. “Tell her that! She’s half my size! At this rate we’ll have to carry her.”
Scarlett cups the phone with her hand. “Adrian says there will also be no carrying of me.”
“He’s not God!” I yell.
She nods. “Mmm, uh-huh, yeah okay I’ll tell him.”
“He says you’re a dum-dum.” She grins and keeps talking. “Cool, I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you.”
Dustin gasps. “A love triangle!”
“There is no triangle! There isn’t even a line! A square. A scratch on a piece of paper! No shapes exist,” I clarify. “We’re simply in the same car, sharing the same bourbon, and when we get to the winery we’ll go our separate ways, right Scarlett?”
She puts her cell phone down then clinks her near empty glass with mine. “Right.”
“Right.” I just have to have the last word.
“Sure.” She must know it.
Our eyes narrow at each other.
Dustin leans back and sighs. “It’s like when the kids used to fight over the swings during recess when I was the recess monitor.”