Total pages in book: 241
Estimated words: 229266 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1146(@200wpm)___ 917(@250wpm)___ 764(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 229266 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1146(@200wpm)___ 917(@250wpm)___ 764(@300wpm)
“No, it couldn’t have been,” I said. “I know I don’t have experience, but if you love someone, you could never do that to them. I’m sorry to even say that. I didn’t know her, but I just know you could never do that to someone you love.”
“No. You couldn’t. I know that.” His head bowed. “I think she did love me at some point. Why else would she continue searching for me? Or maybe she felt that was what was expected of her. I don’t know. But I would’ve chosen death if that meant saving the one I loved.” He dragged a hand over his face as he kept his back to me. “I tried to find Malik after…after that, but couldn’t find my way through the tunnels. I fucking stumbled out onto the beach at some point, and by the luck of the gods, a man found me.”
He lowered his hand. “So, that’s why I don’t talk about her. That’s why I don’t speak her name, because as much as I once loved her, I hate her now. And I hate what I did.”
I shuddered, unable to find words—because there were none.
“Alastir doesn’t know.” He turned to me then. “Only Kieran and my brother know the truth. Alastir can never know that his daughter betrayed Malik—our kingdom. It’s not that I’m trying to protect myself. I can deal with him learning that she died by my hands, but it would kill him to learn the truth of what she did.”
“I won’t ever say anything,” I promised. “I don’t know how you’ve kept that to yourself. It has to…” I trailed off, letting out a ragged breath. “It has to eat you up inside.”
“I rather it do that than let the truth destroy a man who has been nothing but loyal to our kingdom and people.” He leaned against the wall, eyes closing again. “And Shea? I don’t know if it’s right or wrong that people believe she died a hero. I don’t care if it’s wrong.”
I stared at him, seeing what I never thought existed under any of the masks he wore. His body had been tortured as well as his soul. “I wish I knew what to say. I wish you never had to do that after everything else you’d been through. I hate that you feel guilt, and I know you do. She betrayed you. She betrayed herself. And I’m sorry.”
Casteel opened his mouth.
“I know you don’t want my sympathies, but you have them, nonetheless. That doesn’t mean I pity you. It’s just that…” I stopped searching his emotions then. “I understand why you never wanted to speak of her.”
And I understood now why Kieran advised me to never go down that road.
Casteel nodded as he turned back to the terrace doors.
There was something I didn’t understand. “Gianna is Alastir’s great-niece and the marriage to her was his idea?” When he nodded, I said, “And he was okay with you marrying his niece when you were once with his daughter?”
“He was.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Maybe it’s just me, but that would weird me out. Granted, I don’t live for hundreds of years or—”
“It was one of the reasons I could never agree to that union,” he said. “And it’s not Gianna’s fault. She’s a good person. You’d like her.”
I wasn’t sure about that.
“But she…she looks like Shea. Not exactly, but the resemblance is there, and it was weird, even to me. But even if she looked nothing like her, I never thought of her in that way.”
Unsure of how to feel about the knowledge that this Gianna actually looked like Shea—a woman Casteel had once loved and was betrayed by, I thought it over. After a few moments, I realized that none of that with Gianna and Alastir actually mattered. It was just…background noise. What mattered was us.
“I know why you sent Kieran to Atlantia,” I told him. “You wanted to make sure he didn’t risk his life to save yours.”
He was quiet for a moment. “It’s not the only reason. Alastir will call for our forces and then he will go straight to my father and mother—tell them that I plan to marry, and he’ll express his doubts. That’s the last thing anyone needs.”
That was what Casteel had meant when he spoke to Kieran—what had caused the wolven to relent.
Knowing how much it had cost him to talk about Shea and now knowing what he carried with him, it made what I said next easier than expected. “I was telling the truth last night at dinner.”
Chapter 36
Slowly, Casteel turned to me.
“It was the truth when I said you were the first thing I’d ever truly chosen for myself. It’s also true that I chose you when you were just Hawke, and it’s not just because you were the first person to ever really see me. That had something to do with it, of course, but if I wanted to experience pretty words or pleasure, I could’ve donned the mask once more and went back to the Red Pearl. I…I wanted you.” My cheeks heated, but I continued. “It was true that I had already begun to suspect the Ascended, and whether I could be the Maiden. And I chose you because you made me feel like I was someone, that I was a person and not merely an object. You saw me and accepted me, but what you don’t know is that the night I asked you to stay with me, I had already left behind the veil. I’d made my choice. I wanted to find a way to be with you even though I had no idea if you wanted that. And if you didn’t, it would’ve…it would’ve hurt, but I was no longer the Maiden. I fell for you when you were Hawke, and I kept falling for you when you became Casteel.”