Total pages in book: 241
Estimated words: 229266 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1146(@200wpm)___ 917(@250wpm)___ 764(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 229266 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1146(@200wpm)___ 917(@250wpm)___ 764(@300wpm)
My heart kicked around in my chest as I leaned back against the pillows. “Where…where do we start?”
He laughed softly. “Gods, I think I know where to start. You asked if I have any shame? I do have some.” He looked over at me. “Almost all the shame I’ve ever felt has to do with you. I hated lying to you, Poppy. I hated that I was capable of planning to take you—to use you—without ever knowing you. That I even have that capability inside me. I can feel shame for that, but if given the chance to do it again, I would do it exactly the same.”
Casteel’s gaze flickered over my face. “I wasn’t lying earlier when I said I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to use everything I had to gain your trust. If it took pretty words and kisses and my body, I would’ve used them all. I would have done anything to free Malik.”
But he wouldn’t.
He didn’t.
“That’s what the night in the Red Pearl was about. When you asked me why I would kiss you? Why I stayed in the room with you? It was because I knew I could use that to my advantage. I feel shame for that, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently.” He let his head fall back against the pillows, his gaze never leaving mine. “But I didn’t…I didn’t plan on actually enjoying your company. I didn’t plan on coming to look forward to talking to you. And I didn’t plan on the guilt that came with my actions. I didn’t plan on…well, I didn’t plan on caring about you.”
My breath snagged in my chest as a tremble coursed through me.
“I planned on taking you the night of the Rite. When I led you out to the garden. To the willow. Kieran and the others were waiting for us. I was going to take you then, while everyone else was busy, and before you even had an idea of what was happening.”
“But you didn’t.”
“If I had, you never would’ve witnessed Vikter’s death. You wouldn’t have seen any of that. Honest to gods, Poppy, I had no idea they were going to attack—”
“I know. I believe you.” And I did. His shoulders loosened. “Why didn’t you take me?”
“I don’t know.” His brows knitted. “No. That’s a lie. I didn’t take you then because I knew the moment I did, you would stop looking at me like…like I was just Hawke. You would stop opening up to me. Talking to me. Seeing me. You’d hate me. I wasn’t ready for that.”
I wasn’t ready for him to admit that.
He swallowed as his gaze lifted to the bed’s canopy. “When I touched you in the Blood Forest, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I…I wanted to be your first. I needed to be your first everything. Kiss. Touch. Pleasure.”
Oh, gods…
His jaw worked as he slowly shook his head. “Kieran…fuck, I thought he might actually punch me when he realized what I’d done. But he knew and…” Casteel cleared his throat. “The night in New Haven, when I came to your room, I didn’t plan that. I wanted it. Gods, did I ever. It was all I could think about it seemed, and damn if that wasn’t a fucking difference, but I didn’t plan to do that with you when you had no idea who I was.”
Pressure clamped down on my chest. “That’s why you didn’t want me to call you Hawke that night. I thought it was because that wasn’t technically your name.”
“It’s because you didn’t know who that name was attached to.” He dragged his teeth across his lip. “I should’ve walked out of that room. If I were a better man, I would’ve. I feel shame for that, but gods, I don’t regret it. How terrible is that?”
“I…” My throat sealed, and it took a bit for me to unclog it. “I hated that you weren’t honest with me then, but I don’t regret it. I never did.”
His gaze swung to mine. “Don’t say stuff like that.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes me want to strip you naked and sink so deep in you that neither of us will know where we start and end.” His eyes flared an intense gold. “And then we’d never finish this conversation.”
“Oh,” I whispered, his words sending a heated wave through me. “Okay, then.”
The smile returned, but it was quick to disappear. “What I said that night still holds true. I’m not worthy of you. I knew that then. I know that still. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you. That hasn’t stopped me from concocting a plan where I can have you, if only until this is over. It didn’t stop me from wanting everything from you. From pretending that I could have everything, Poppy.”