Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 64320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
“Does he know?” I answer his question with a nod, my throat too tight to speak.
“And he …?” he starts to ask, but doesn’t finish the obvious question.
“Says he’s happy but he’s still not with me. He’s not committing and carrying on like he was. I want him, but I need him with me and he’s not …” I’m ashamed of the answer.
It’s quiet for a short moment. The ceramic mug in my hand slides against the wooden table and it’s the only noise to be heard. The itch in my throat matches the prick behind my eyes. I’ve cried enough over all this. It’s been weeks and this is simply how it is. With a sip of my peppermint tea, I accept it.
“So, do you want to go to the movies?” Jacob asks then picks up his mug. “I’d still like to go if you would.”
My heart does this little flutter, a quick flicker of warmth that lets me know it’s still there. It’s gratitude and I think that’s all I could give anyone else. It’s all I’m willing to do.
I shake my head, once again, and give him a sad smile.
“I had to ask. I think it would’ve been good,” he tells me, forcing a smile then covering his disappointment by taking a large sip of the chai.
“You going to be okay?”
I shrug, honestly unsure of whether I’ll ever be okay. “Some people are meant to be alone.” Or waiting for a love that may never come back.
“You sound like me,” he comments with a huff of humor that doesn’t reach his eyes and then he takes a deep, heavy breath. “Gets tiresome, though.”
“A story for another time perhaps?”
“I think it’s the same story mostly, with only one big difference.”
“What’s that?”
“I think Evan may love you back, just like you love him. Whether or not he deserves it … well, that’s a matter of opinion, I guess.” I can’t respond and instead, I let my gaze wander back to the stain on the table. “It wasn’t the same for me. It was very much one sided.”
“I’m so sorry, Jake.” It’s all I can respond and I genuinely am.
“Don’t be,” he says easily. “Fate puts people in our life for a reason.” He takes a steadying breath before saying, “And now I know it’s possible.”
“What’s possible?” For a moment I worry that he thinks the two of us being together is still an option when it’s not at all for me.
“Not this like you and me,” he says, rushing out the words as if hearing my unspoken thought. “Trust me, I wish it were. But I meant … just that there could be someone else for me.”
“You could always write the story. Although I doubt you’d want me to be your agent, huh?”
“No … I don’t think that would work really,” he says with the same sad smile on his face that I’ve been giving him.
“Maybe we could still be friends?”
“I don’t think that’s for the best, Kat. I can’t just be friends with you.”
My hair tickles my shoulders as I nod and reach for my coat to leave. My movements are sluggish; I don’t want this to be the last goodbye. But it is. I know it. I barely touched my drink and didn’t have anything to eat, but that’s okay. I knew I wouldn’t anyway. Morning sickness has been rough this week so it’s not like I’d be able to keep it down anyway.
“How about this,” Jacob offers as I pull my wool coat tight around my shoulders. “You call me if you’re ever not okay and want more. But I won’t call you or text you again. It’s in your hands.”
“I’m sorry, Jake.” I say the words, but they don’t even make a dent in expressing what I feel.
“Stop being sorry. Do that one thing for me, will you?” he questions, his dark green, hazel eyes shining back just like they did the first moment I met him, and I merely nod and say my goodbye.
Every step back to my townhouse, I want to go back.
Every breath, I wish I could tell him that what he did for me, I can never repay, and I’ll be forever thankful for that.
But neither of those things happen. I walk back to my townhouse alone and the first thing I do when I get home is delete his emails and his number.
I don’t want to have the option to run back to him.
Jacob is a good man, but he’s not for me. I don’t need someone else to love me. I need to learn to love being alone again. So I can be whole for my child. So I can be a good mother.
Diary Entry Five
Dear Mom,
It’s not so bad being alone. I’m not really alone, alone. Not with this baby growing, but I can’t feel him or her yet. I still talk to him, though. I think it’s a boy, but I won’t know for weeks.