Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 63195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 316(@200wpm)___ 253(@250wpm)___ 211(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 63195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 316(@200wpm)___ 253(@250wpm)___ 211(@300wpm)
“I miss you,” he says as the last word spills from my lips.
“I miss you too,” I admit, my voice cracking and I lick my lips.
“Things have gotten rough, but I never stopped loving you. You’re the only thing that matters.”
“What you say is everything I want to hear, Evan. But it’s what you’ve done that makes it impossible for me to stay with you.”
His boots smack on the hardwood floor as he makes his way to me. And I don’t move. I don’t object. I even lean into him slightly when he sits down next to me. At first he’s angled away from me, his elbows on his knees but then he looks at me with a hurt in his eyes that makes me inch closer to him, and he does the same.
I may be angry about what he’s done. What I’ve done as well. But no amount of anger can outweigh the pain we both feel in this moment.
The pain from knowing we’re damaged beyond repair.
“Will you ever forgive me?” he questions and then takes a chance, moving his large hand to my thigh and gently rubbing his thumb back and forth.
“I already have,” I tell him and feel slightly less strong. Weak for being okay with what’s happened. Or at least for accepting it.
“Do you just not love me anymore then?” he asks me, his eyes piercing into mine and holding me captive. His words are raw, coming from a damaged man.
My lungs still and the words hang on the tip of my tongue. They’re too afraid to leave me. I’m so weak for him, so bendable and disposable. If I admit such a flaw, he may never give me a fighting chance for something more.
What’s worse, I may be content with that.
“Please just tell me you love me,” Evan whispers. “I know I fuck up, more than I should. But please don’t stop loving me.”
“I’ve never felt so alone.” It’s one thing to be left alone. It’s quite another to choose it. In this moment, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be alone another day, but I know I have to.
“I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be mad at you,” I tell him, wiping from under my eyes and leaning my body into his. He kisses my forehead before enveloping me in his arms. And I let him. My biggest flaw.
“Then don’t,” he whispers and then pulls away to look down at me, waiting for my eyes to meet his. “Forgive me, please,” he says and when I look to him, his dark hazel eyes beg me. His voice is raw and full of nothing but pain and remorse. “For everything. For being so stupid. For putting you through all this shit.”
The question is right there, right on the tip of my tongue. I should ask, I should know what he’s hiding. But the look in his eyes is so familiar.
“I meant what I said,” I tell him. “I need you to leave.”
“But you still love me?” he asks me even though it comes out as a statement.
My body heats, my breath stutters and the words get caught in my throat, refusing to come out. I’m on the edge of leaving him, of ruining this man I love so much.
“Yes, I still love you. So much,” I admit and the confession is like a weight off my chest, but one that only leaves a gaping, painful hole in its absence.
“I can fix this.”
“I need you to leave, Evan,” I plead with him weakly.
“Just give me time.”
“We’re separated, Evan. That’s what that means.”
“I don’t want this. Please, Kat.” Evan closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of my neck. I’ve never seen him so weak. So desperate for mercy.
I’ve never wanted to forgive so badly in my life, but it’s not forgiveness that I need. It’s a different life that I need moving forward and I won’t get that with Evan.
“I’m sorry.” My lips move but the words aren’t audible, and I have to say it again.
His fingers dig into me, holding me closer and tighter, as if the moment he loosens them, I’ll leave his grasp forever.
“I’m sorry, but it’s what I want,” I tell him and I’ve never heard such a horrible lie in my life. But he nods his head, pulling away slightly although still refusing to let go.
“It’s what I deserve,” he says beneath his breath. His eyes are glossy and his breathing slower as he looks away from me, still holding on but trying to gather the strength to say something. I don’t trust myself to speak. So I just wait, praying for this moment to be over. Praying for something better to come once this has all left me. But how? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so dead inside.