Total pages in book: 210
Estimated words: 203847 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1019(@200wpm)___ 815(@250wpm)___ 679(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 203847 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1019(@200wpm)___ 815(@250wpm)___ 679(@300wpm)
I hug my knees tighter to me. I want to say the words. They’re there, sitting on my tongue, teasing my lips. But they won’t come out.
The thought of saying them twists my heart painfully.
“Well?” she raises penciled-in eyebrows. “I thought as much. You fear weakness because you never want to feel it again, and that’s why you can’t commit. Love makes you weak, Olivia. It makes you weak and it makes you strong at the same time. But the strongest love is the one you accept and embrace. Fight it and you’re destined for weakness.”
My eyes burn with tears, and I swallow hard. “I know,” I whisper. “I know.”
“So why are you fighting it? If you’re so afraid of weakness, why don’t you get off your ass and tell him what you want? I bet he doesn’t even know how you feel, does he?”
I shake my head.
“Flamin’ heck, girl! You’re making a total pig’s asshole of this, aren’t ya?”
I nod. If I talk, the tears will come.
“You need to talk to your young man and tell him how you feel, Olivia. That’s the only way you’ll ever move on. Fuck your fear. Face it and embrace it and you will kick it in its rusty butt.”
I half-laugh, half-sob.
Mom gets up and wraps her arm around my shoulder. “Don’t let the fear of falling in love stop you from basking in the beauty of the possibility. Think about how beautiful it could be, how happy you could be, and go from there.” She kisses my temple. “Come on, Mother. It’s time for your medication.”
Mom gets up and helps Nana up. Nana pauses by the door.
“Olivia.”
I look up and meet her gaze.
“I’m staying in your room. You’ll have to take the spare room.”
I shudder and smile. “Okay, Nana. Thanks for letting me know.”
“You’re welcome. Now, Mare, does that husband of yours have my salmon yet?”
I laugh into my knees as Mom leads her away. She shuts the door behind her, leaving me in the silence of the conservatory. Leaving me with the overwhelming noise of my thoughts.
With the realization of my stupidity.
With the ache of my heart.
Nana’s right. I’m not afraid of love or my addiction—not really. I’m afraid of the product of my addiction, which is weakness. I’ve been strong for so long that spiraling into a place where I’m not strong is terrifying.
That would be easier to swallow if I weren’t already weak. Tyler makes me weak. He makes me want to give everything to him when sometimes I have nothing myself. But maybe I should.
Maybe I should stop being such a fucking idiot and just do it.
An impulsive decision, contradicted by the thought put into it.
We are perfect for each other. In the most nonsensical way, we are. And like he said, waking up to a day where I don’t need him is vomit-inducing. I don’t want to not need him. I don’t want to not have him around, making me laugh, turning me on, teasing me. I don’t want a day where I don’t hear his voice and have it send tingles down my spine.
I want to hear him mutter his dirty words. I want to feel him tie my hands and completely own my body. I want to taste him on my tongue, see his dark eyes that show so much, smell his cologne mix with his natural scent.
I want him every second of every day and I shouldn’t be afraid of that. I shouldn’t hold back from something we both want just because of my fear. Like Nana said, I have to face it head on. I have to deal with it or I’ll never be happy. Because Tyler is the guy who makes me happy. He’s the one who makes my day brighter, and maybe he’s the guy who can help me banish my fear.
Maybe he really will always be there.
Maybe I should finally woman up and tell him everything.
My name is Olivia Warren. I’m not in love with Tyler Stone—not yet. But I am wholly, irreversibly, and overwhelmingly addicted to him.
“I love you, Nana.” I peck her wrinkly cheek. “Thank you for the ass-kicking.”
“Any time,” she answers honestly. “Did you know your dad has gone to get me salmon?”
I smile. Yep. From the store. “I know. You enjoy it, okay? I’ll call you soon.”
“Don’t bother. You’ll probably just piss me off.”
“True that. Bye, Nana.” I kiss her cheek again and turn to Mom. She immediately folds me into her arms. “Thank you, Mom. I’ll definitely call you soon.”
“Please do.” She squeezes me and then lets me get into my car. “I love you, Olivia.”
“Love you, too.” I smile and pull away from the house. I catch Nana’s wave in the mirror and wave back before rolling my window back up.
It’s an hour drive from my parents’ place to mine. At least it should be. It’s actually a long, traffic-jammed two and a half hours on the interstate before I’ve even reached the outskirts of Seattle. I fiddle with my radio, trying not to think about calling Tyler or the fact my stomach is, in Nana’s words, about to digest itself.