Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 91864 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 459(@200wpm)___ 367(@250wpm)___ 306(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91864 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 459(@200wpm)___ 367(@250wpm)___ 306(@300wpm)
And I wasn’t running.
I hadn’t realized his brother didn’t die right away. With me, my parents were there one moment and gone the next, though I had my own secrets where their death was concerned. With Sean his brother was there, then he had to live with the fact that he knew he would die. I didn’t know which was worse.
Would it have helped me if I’d gotten the chance to say good-bye to my parents, even if they hadn’t known I was there? I didn’t know.
It was then I realized where I’d been driving. My hands shook on the steering wheel as I looked at the miles of headstones in front of me.
I hadn’t been to the cemetery since the day I was there with Sean. Before that, it had been years.
The tremble in my hands increased. I didn’t know what in the hell I was doing here. Maybe all the talk of death was getting to me. Wondering if it helped Sean or hurt him that he saw his brother broken. Thinking about my own parents’ broken and bloodied bodies. Thinking about the first day here when he said sometimes he just sat and talked to his brother yet I hadn’t once sat here and talked to my parents. Did that mean Sean loved his brother more than I loved them? I didn’t think that was possible, but it did make me feel like maybe I was doing this grieving thing wrong and I sure as shit didn’t like to do things the wrong way.
Sean was fucking with my head in more ways than one—the sex, the dates, the connection. Talking about shit and listening to him when he was hurting at three in the morning. Sitting in my car outside of the cemetery like a crazy person, afraid to go inside.
I liked the changes but didn’t. I really didn’t like feeling afraid of something, so I parked the car and got out.
It was amazing how my feet led me directly to their graves.
“Um…hi.…” I said and then felt like a fucking idiot. “Goddamn you, Sean,” I mumbled. It was as if he was a magician who had worked some kind of power over me.
“So…I’m an architect,” I said. I’d never even told them that. Because they’re dead, Ethan. They can’t hear you.
That didn’t seem to stop Sean from talking to his brother though.
“I’m good, Dad,” I said with a smile. “You’d be proud…I hope you’d be proud, at least. I guess I don’t know you quite well enough to say that.” I thought for a moment and then added, “You know what? I do. God, you fucking loved it. I could hear the passion every time you spoke about architecture. I think I was likely the only little kid in the world whose bedtime stories were about buildings and design.”
A chuckle slipped past my lips.
“It would have been cool if we could have done it together,” I mused. But we couldn’t. We’d been robbed of that.
I spoke to them more about what I did—awards I’d won. Running my own firm. I thought about discussing Sean but that quickly felt like a fucking crazy-ass idea. Why in the hell would I tell them about a fuck who made me realize I was bi? But the thing was, I knew my mom would like it. She’d ooh and ahh because she’d always been a dreamy-romantic and she would have liked a story like mine and Sean’s.
I didn’t know what else to say…I didn’t have close friends to talk about, kids, family. I had a job and that was all. The thought suddenly burned like acid in my gut.
“Well…I guess I should go.”
My eyes stung, so I pushed my sunglasses on and otherwise ignored it. It wasn’t until I got back to the car that I realized how long I’d stayed. For the first time in my life, I was late to work, and I found I didn’t care. It had been worth it.
When I got to my office, I pulled out my phone. You feeling better? I typed to Sean.
Yes…I’m sorry.
No reason to be, I replied and then added, I’m glad you called me.
And I really fucking was.
I’m glad I called you too.
“What are you smiling at?” Sadie asked as she stepped into my office.
“Nothing,” I replied, a little thrown that I’d been smiling and didn’t realize it. Fucking Ninja and his voodoo magic hold on me. This was getting out of control.
20
Sean
Lee and I chatted with the CEO of a start-up, a potential new client, over dinner.
The prospective client had recently acquired an app that my company saw a lot of potential with, as did a couple of other marketing firms who we were actively competing against. Since my boss really wanted the account, he sent me to Detroit to sway the CEO.