Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 91961 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 460(@200wpm)___ 368(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91961 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 460(@200wpm)___ 368(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
I get into full gear and pull out one of the toys Frankie got for me, donning my collar.
I play with my little toy.
Normally, if I’m in gear, I’m either training or getting ready for training. But as much as I love having the sessions with Frankie, there’s something nice right in this moment…doing it on my own, for fun…being able to let go of the stress from earlier.
An ease sweeps through me—one that drowns out those voices of the guys from the coffeehouse and pushes the memories of the person I was with Peter to the back of my mind.
This is the real me—playing with my little chew toy as I bounce around on the floor in my bedroom, barking and panting.
Just having fun and forgetting all the bullshit.
30
Frankie
“Oh my God. This pizza is to die for,” Mom says as she takes another bite, a string of cheese stretching out between her mouth and the slice.
“For sure. We love it here. It’s Evan’s favorite.” My words are immediately followed by a moan as I take a bite of the mozzarella goodness. It makes me think about my conversations with Evan the other day about my cheesy line and how much he liked it. A smile tugs at my lips at the memory and the knowledge that what I said was true, cheesy or not.
“Oh, mijo. You have it bad,” Mom says, and I shrug, not bothering to deny it.
“I’ve never felt this way before, Ma. He’s…Christ, I don’t even know how to put it into words. He’s sweet, so damn sweet. I think that’s my favorite thing about him. Most people aren’t that good—that innocent, in a way—and I just want to protect that, ya know?” I shake my head when I realize how I just rambled to her. There are a hundred reasons I could tell her that Evan is special to me—his kindness, his laugh, the way he always sings without a care in the world, how gorgeous he is right down to his perfect fucking teeth and how he comes apart every time I touch him. The way he’s able to strip down to such a pure, raw, form of himself when he’s in puppy mode, letting go of the ugliness of the world to just play and be happy. How fucking amazing is that? How honest? Most people aren’t that fucking honest.
Obviously, I’m not saying those things to her, though.
Mom reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “That’s one of my favorite things about you. You have such a big heart, Frankie. Such a huge capacity for love and you just want to protect and take care of people you care about. Evan is wonderful, and I couldn’t be happier you found him, but you’re pretty incredible yourself.”
“You have to say that.” I wink. “But obviously, it’s true too.”
She laughs and rolls her eyes at me. “So conceited.”
“Just honest.”
“Hush, you,” she replies, takes another bite, and chews. “Have you told him how you feel?”
“He knows we’re serious. It hasn’t been easy on him. Hell, he’s only had one other relationship, and the guy was horrible to him.”
“So? I was the same way. I only had your father and Randall. That doesn’t mean what I have with Randall is less real.”
“I know. I’m not saying that. I just…I don’t ever want to let him down.”
“Which proves how much you care about him. You have this fear of not being enough for those you love, Frankie, and you are. You’re good and kind. Remember when you first told me you were gay?”
“How could I forget that?” I ask.
“True…but I remember you told me and I cried. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you or I couldn’t accept you. I was surprised because I never had a clue, and as a mother, I felt like I should have, but also because I worried about how the world would react, and I also knew that you hadn’t told me because in some way, you feared you were letting me down. It’s not that you’re ashamed of being gay—I know that, but you thought you were letting me down.”
Again, I won’t try to deny it. What she’s saying is true. “Yeah, but I think that’s true of many people. A lot of us fear that when we come out to our parents.”
“Yes, but you’ve always been like that with everything. Whether it was a grade you got in school, or losing your first job, whether to forgive someone—and I don’t just mean your father when I say that. I respect your choices when it comes to him but…”
“I can’t help who I am.”
“I’m not saying you should, I’m just telling you to cut yourself some slack. The last person in the world who will ever let Evan down is you.”