Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 84394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 338(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 338(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
“I have you and my family and all our employees. You know how many people that is? We have enough to start our own neighborhood.”
She ignores me. “You lived there for ten years, and when you left, you didn’t know anyone well enough to trust them to watch your cat.”
“I trusted them to pack for me. Also, I don’t have a cat.” I sigh in feigned disappointment. “A real friend would know that.”
“You know what I mean.”
Tanisha lives a few blocks from her parents right now, and they’ve recruited the entire neighborhood to “look out” for her. She complains on a weekly basis that everyone knows her business, and she desperately wants to move away. I’m not sure why she’d wish that on me.
“Fine. I’ll make new friends tonight so they can help me unpack. I’m sure the mess will make a good first impression. Why didn’t you stop me from buying all this junk?”
“The same reason you don’t stop me from collecting lip balms or watching my shows.”
“I’m a grown woman and I’d cut you if you tried?” Because she is and she might.
“We support each other’s crazy. That’s our rule. Yours happens to take up more space than mine.” She surveys the room again. “I had no idea things had gotten this bad.”
Neither had I. I’m sure part of it was the stress, and the rest has something to do with overcompensating for my childhood. Specifically, navigating adolescence with a houseful of boys the same age, none of whom knew the meaning of privacy or dibs.
JD responded to our formative years by becoming so independent he wouldn’t ask for help if he was on fire. Or if he’d gotten beaten up outside a bar by homophobic assholes, a fact he proved to all of us a few years ago.
I’m not that bad. When I finally had a place to myself, I wasn’t sure what to do with all the room. I may have devoted a month or two to the joys of watching porn while naked. I left dishes in the sink overnight, basically daring the bugs Matilda warned me about to enjoy the free buffet. I also made online purchases at a rate that had my credit card company calling to make sure nothing had been stolen. Things like that.
In hindsight, it was pretty low-key for a rebellion. I think I was too busy working and going to college for my master’s in child development to cause that much trouble.
Tani still likes to refer to that period of time as my Rumspringa—because she watched some show about Amish kids getting fall-down drunk and found it hilarious.
They can make anything into a reality show. I’m expecting Watching Paint Dry to show up on Netflix any day now.
I’m not judging. Even after I got a housekeeper and put the porn away, I kept up my purchases. A decade of collectibles, costumes and thingamabobs. A convention here, an auction there. It never occurred to me to worry about the fact that no one stayed at my apartment, not because I was always working, but because my guest bedroom was too crowded for company.
Hello, my name is Joey Redmond, and I might be a hoarder.
“Starting a donation pile now,” I promise as I open the closest box in front of me.
Half an hour later, I forget my plan while stroking the life-size cardboard cutout of Zachary Quinto as Spock. “He stays with me. I need someone to talk to when you’re sleeping or my phone is charging.”
“Sure. Talking is what you do with him. What will your brothers say when they find that in your bedroom?”
“Something perverted,” I tell her honestly. “Probably an observation on the lack of handholds and prime insertion locations.” I laugh when she pretends to gag. “What do yours say when M’Baku glares at them from the corner of your living room?”
I bought it for her. Mainly because if we both had one it could be our thing, and I wouldn’t be that strange single guy with a fetish.
“Please.” She sniffs imperiously and pushes her shoulder-length black hair behind her ears. “I told them he’s for my protection. That I use him to scare away unworthy suitors so they don’t have to. Now he’s their mascot.”
“They bought that?”
“They’re men, Joey.”
Not to hate on my own sex, but sometimes that’s all that needs to be said.
A sudden wave of homesickness engulfs me. Not for my old apartment, but for my friend. “I wish you were here.”
“I will be. Eventually.”
Her family situation is more complicated than mine. For them, proximity is paramount. Her parents adore me, of course, but I’m no substitute for them when it comes to taking care of their “disabled” and unmarried daughter.
There’s nothing wrong with Tanisha, in case you missed my air quotes. In fact, she’s the one taking care of me and everyone else in her family, whether they’re aware of it or not.