Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 91504 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 458(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91504 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 458(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
“How have you been doing since our last session?” I ask.
“Okay.”
I tilt my head, leaving silence, hoping she’ll go on. Last time it took her a bit to warm up, too. I want to give her the space for that to happen again.
“Anything new?” I finally say when a solid minute has passed. Rebecca is one of my youngest patients—I don’t see children or teenagers, so I rarely have patients reluctant to speak with me. Adults come to therapy for help. Even if it’s hard to get to what they really want to say, they naturally fill the silence talking about something.
“I have a new boyfriend.” Her eyes shine with the word boyfriend. Discomfort flits through me—she’s undeniably obsessive. We’ve barely skimmed the surface of what we can work on together, but the diagnoses tumble through my brain, interwoven like spaghetti. She needs help. Once I would have known exactly what to do, what to say to start her on that journey. Now that flicker of self-doubt rears its ugly head. But I can do this.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. His name is Steve. We met online.”
I fight to keep my face neutral. There’s nothing wrong with meeting a partner online. Heck, that’s how I met Robert. But Rebecca seems to be bouncing from one man to the next. No sooner than the thought crosses my mind, I realize I’m not much better these days. While Robert kissed me, while his hips were pressed against mine, while his hot breath warmed my skin, I was thinking of Gabriel.
I clear my throat. “Steve. Tell me more. What do you like about him?”
My hope is to focus on the traits that will create a positive relationship for her. And to let her share her frustrations, so we can plan how she handles them—hopefully in a more resilient, appropriate way than showing up at Steve’s work or stalking him. Especially if poor behaviors were modeled for her growing up, that’s likely what she’ll turn to now. But maybe we can create a better relationship. Even if she has deeper underlying issues.
The thing about therapy is you can’t tell people what to do. You can guide them, but their realizations have to be theirs alone. I’m not planning her life—I’m helping her learn to plan her own life, hopefully in a more adaptive way.
“He’s cute. And he plays baseball for St. John’s University. I like the way he looks at me. Like I’m special.” She stops, nibbles on her fingernail, and glances nervously over at me. Our eyes meet for the briefest moment. “He brought me flowers for our first date. No one’s ever done that.”
“How sweet of him.”
“Yes, he’s really sweet.” Indecisiveness flashes across her pretty features. She sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. “I don’t know. There’s something about him. I really like him.”
Something about him.
I can understand that. Something about Gabriel…
No, no, no. I press the point of my pen to the paper too forcefully, and it scrapes, ripping it.
“Anyway, we decided to be girlfriend and boyfriend. And I wanted to ask you something.”
“Go ahead.” I lean forward, smiling kindly. She’s opening up. Acknowledging to me and to herself that she wants help.
“Is it… is it normal to think about someone, like, all the time?” Her eyes widen. “Because, I mean, I think I love him. And I think about him all the time. When I wake up, when I’m taking a shower, when I’m in class, even right now. I mean, I’m talking about him, right?” She laughs nervously.
I keep my psychiatrist face on—kind, impartial. A hint of a smile. But inside, Gabriel’s name pounds with the beating of my heart. The thought of him. How I almost feel like we’ve been together, the way I imagined it was his hair I ran my fingers through, his mouth I was kissing, his hardness I pressed up against…
Even though I know it was Robert.
Is it normal to think about someone all the time?
My gaze darts toward my desk, where my phone is stowed away, ringer off. I know Robert is not Gabriel. I know that. And yet I’m using him. Using him as a replacement for my own obsession.
“Early in relationships, we often think of the person a lot,” I hear myself say. “It can be euphoric. It’s because of the release of dopamine in our brains. Of course, that doesn’t make it any less real.”
It’s a neutral answer. Not telling her she’s wrong. Not telling myself I’m wrong. Just the facts.
And the fact is, I’m not so different from Rebecca. Although from I am making different choices. I’ve chosen to step away from my obsession. To leave him in the past. To focus on Robert, even if I did allow myself that one fantasy.
“Well, it’s not all perfect. Like, is that even possible?” She rolls her eyes, breaking my inner monologue. Reminding me she’s a patient, and she’s twenty-three, and I’m supposed to be helping her. This is an opportunity to help her. To guide her.