Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 112961 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 565(@200wpm)___ 452(@250wpm)___ 377(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 112961 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 565(@200wpm)___ 452(@250wpm)___ 377(@300wpm)
He nods, swallowing heavily. It draws my focus to the long line of his neck, and I watch the flush crawl from beneath the collar of his shirt and up to his jaw.
“I love you,” I say to his neck, and finally manage to drag my gaze to his. His fresh-leaf eyes are in shadow; he’s backlit with the room behind him, but even so, I can see the way they flicker back and forth between mine, searching. “I have never, not once in my life, felt this way for anyone. When you were getting ready to cast the show, and you asked me what I wanted in a partner, I said I wanted someone who cares about the right things, who is good and works hard, who doesn’t take himself too seriously. You are all those things and more. You are kind, and hardworking. You are patient, and honest, and loyal. I admire you so much.”
He stares at me so intently, and I know him well enough to know that he won’t interrupt me, won’t crash across the table to kiss me senseless even if that’s secretly what I want. I love that he’s respectful even if I crave being disrespected by him, and only him.
“I also said I wanted someone that I was just fucking hot for,” I say, “and I’ve never wanted someone the way I want you.”
He swallows again, only now breaking eye contact and staring down at his beer.
“I won’t detail that,” I tell him, “because we’re in public and I also realize that it’s not cool to have one-sided verbal sex with someone who has explicitly said that he does not want to be with me.”
Connor laughs a little at this, turning his heated gaze back up to mine. There’s a challenge there. Hope translates it as I don’t recall ever saying that I didn’t want to be with you.
“But I’m saying that I love you,” I continue, “because I sometimes think we as a society hold too many things back. We’re afraid of being vulnerable or rejected, we’re scared that we’re weird or say things that no one else thinks. And that’s okay. I’m not scared of that with you. I know I’m being rejected, I know I’m weird, and I know for a fact that no one else thinks exactly what I’m thinking right now because no one knows you the way I do. No one loves you in this exact, perfect, consuming way.”
“Fizzy,” he says quietly, his fingers twitching on the table. Carefully, he reaches one hand forward and brushes his fingertips over the back of my hand.
“So, when you’re home later, and feeling however you feel about this conversation—whether it’s grossed out, happy, sad, or confused—I just want you to know that there is someone on this planet who loves you unconditionally and deeply because of who you are and how you carry yourself. I’m so glad to have known you, Connor.”
He looks down again, taking a slow, deep breath. “I don’t know what to say right now.”
“I know. That was a lot. You don’t have to—”
“No,” he says quickly. “I mean, there is so much I’d like to say, and I’m not sure how to articulate any of it.”
I bite my lips, willing myself to not speak over him.
“If you know what happened with Smash Course,” he says slowly, “then I presume you understand why I had to continue to stay away.”
Hope flares alive, hot and thrashing behind my ribs. “Yes.”
Connor looks at me quizzically. “I expected you to tell me it’s all bollocks.”
“It is bollocks,” I say. “But you get to choose how you handle it. You clearly knew that I wouldn’t care what Blaine or anyone else has to say about it, and you made the decision that’s best for you. How can I be upset about that?”
He looks at me, surprised.
“Don’t you get it, Connor?” I say. “I’m telling you I love you. I want what’s best for you, even if that isn’t me.”
Connor opens his mouth to reply but Brenna approaches behind him. I cut him off. “Brenna’s coming over.”
Turning in his seat, Connor smiles at her. “What’s up?”
She looks shaken. “Do you have a second?”
“Join us.” I pat the seat beside me.
But she shakes her head. “Sorry, I—I think I need to cover this one with Connor solo.” She lowers her voice to him. “We have the results.”
I lean in. “My results?”
Neither of them looks at me, but Brenna nods at him. “I want—” she says, and then gives a shaky smile. “You and Rory will need to figure out the edit plan, that’s all.”
“Oh, right.” Connor turns back to me.
I try to read the forecast in his expression. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine.” His smile is only a flicker across his lips. “We need to finish this conversation, but can we do it another time?”