Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
I lick up his neck to his jaw. “I love when you act like this.”
“Like what.”
“Like you know how hot you are.”
Felix tilts his head and slowly blinks, and maybe it’s because I’m calling him out and making him fucking own this, because I think he should, but I watch the exact moment he loses all sureness and shrinks.
He clears his throat and finds an interesting spot on the shower wall, putting his focus on that instead of me, and gone is the cocky edge to his voice when he (somehow) gets the courage to share, “No one’s ever looked at me the way you do. It’s not like I’m used to it.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Why the fuck would I make that up? It’s embarrassing.”
“Hey.” I guide his face up, forcing him to look at me, and push the dripping curls out of his eyes. “Everything about you is sexy, Felix. Even your name. Okay?”
His eyes double. “My name.”
“Yeah.”
“Get fucking real. Felix is the name of a cartoon dog, or that one kid in elementary school who’s allergic to everything and who never gets invited to birthday parties. True story, by the way.”
“What exactly are you allergic to?”
Shit. Shouldn’t I know this?
What if I bake something and it kills him?
“Nothing. I’m not allergic to anything. That’s not… Look, I just—” He quickly shakes his head. “I think I’m average looking most of the time, but then you look at me the way you do or suck on my neck like that, and I feel like I could easily top you when I’ve never been that guy. I’m not the fucking hero with the cool name. And I love hearing you say how much you like it when I am that way with you, but I can’t be that guy all the time, Jake. My stupid brain won’t let me.”
“Good. I don’t always want you to be that guy.”
“You don’t?”
“No. Fuck no. It gets my dick hard when you act like that, but so does this.”
I gesture between us, even though it speaks for itself. I haven’t lost an inch.
“Yeah, but I’m naked too,” he says. “And a dick is a dick. You’re just reacting.”
“Fuck you. No, I’m not.”
“Don’t get mad at me. I’m just trying to explain that I’m nothing special.”
“And you’ll never convince me of that, so shut the fuck up.”
“You shut the fuck up. It’s just how I feel, okay?”
“No! It’s not okay. That’s not okay, Felix. I know this is something you have to work through and it might always be, but I don’t think you’re nothing special or just another dick that gets me hard. I’ve never thought that about you. And I’d be a shitty boyfriend if I did. In fact, I will beat the fuck out of you if you ever let someone treat you like that.”
He blinks, letting his mouth fall open.
“That was actually really romantic, Jake. In like, a fucked-up way. But still. My heart totally liked that.”
“I wouldn’t really hit you. Jesus. I hope that’s not something that gets you off.”
“No, it doesn’t. Does it?” He takes a second to think. “No. It was just the threat of it, I guess.”
“What. That’s not any better, Felix.”
“Oh my god, you’re ruining the moment. Just keep going.”
“Ruining the moment?”
Is he serious?
“You know what I meant, right?” I crowd him some more. “Tell me you know that was just me saying I’m not going to put up with you or anyone else treating you like shit. I’m not going to take that.”
“I know that’s what you meant.”
“Okay. Good.”
“Now tell me you understand that I can’t help the way I feel about myself and that you know I’m trying, I’m trying so hard, Jake, but I can’t see myself how you see me, and I might not ever will, and you need to be okay with that.”
We’re both panting our breaths now.
“Fuck. Is that what this is about?” I ask.
“I guess.”
“Felix.”
I push my hair off my forehead with both hands and interlock my fingers, sliding my grip to the back of my head and holding there.
My brain fucking hurts.
“Yes?” he asks, gaze bouncing between my flexed arms and my face. “See, I could never stand like that and pull it off like you’re doing. You could fucking model, Jake.”
“And you could make me want to suck dick even if I was straight.”
He blushes so fast. “Wow. Best compliment ever.”
“I’m serious. Come here.”
He steps closer, and I reach up and hold gently to the sides of his face.
“Listen to me, okay?” I wait for him to nod before continuing. “You can know how sexy you are, or I can remind you—I really don’t fucking care. But what you’re not going to do is put yourself down in front of me and expect me to just stand here and take it. You’re trashing something that’s important to me, Felix. Don’t fucking do that.”