Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
“Felix—”
“We’ll be okay. We promised.”
“I don’t know when I’m coming back.”
His grip tightens so I can’t let go.
And there it is.
Finally, all the pain and apprehension and this strange awkwardness between us starts to make sense, and now I’m the one who’s suddenly so nervous he might get sick.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I ask.
“No,” Jake’s quick to say. “I don’t want to break up. Ever. I meant what I said about us four years from now.”
“But you’re leaving. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know.” I’m trying to stay calm but I’m gasping my breaths now. “Okay. But you’re going to come back eventually. Right?”
“When I’m better, yeah.”
“How long is that going to take?”
“I don’t know.”
“Jesus Christ, Jake. Say something else!”
More tears fall down his cheeks. “Felix—”
“I can’t come with you. I-I can’t. I have my job, and I don’t want to give up my house. It’s the only thing I have left of my mom.” I harshly wipe at my face with the cuff of my sleeve. “Shit.”
And then he says, “I know. I’m not asking you to come.”
And now, this is when it hurts.
I slump back, and we’re both openly crying and just staring at each other until I finally break eye contact and look off the edge of the bed.
“But I love you,” I whimper.
“I love you too. I’m not going to stop.”
“It feels like you are…”
It feels like you already have.
“You’re my fucking soulmate, Felix, and I don’t even believe in that shit.”
I turn my head, and we lock eyes.
“I promise, I’m not stopping,” Jake says, his voice urgent. “I’m supposed to be here with you. I know I am. But I don’t think I’m going to make it if I don’t do this, and I know this is like, so fucking shitty of me to ask you to wait and be with me when I don’t even know when I’m coming back, but I’m asking it, Felix. Okay? I’m asking it.”
I’m crying so hard now. We both are.
“Please,” he begs, holding out his hand for me to take.
I stare at it as tears run down my face.
It’s my choice.
Jake’s leaving this all up to me, even if it kills him.
My breathing fills my ears.
I’d probably never choose the life I have.
The universe fucked me over in terms of my adolescence, and I’ll be an addict until I die. There’s no beating this.
Losing my mom wasn’t my choice.
Neither was being stuck with my dad. I’d never choose him.
I have no idea how hard this is going to be for us, but I think it might test my sobriety more than anything I’ve ever been through.
But we’re fucking soulmates, and he doesn’t even believe in that.
Did I even need a choice? Probably not.
So, I take his hand and say, “I need you to promise me you’re coming back…”
And with so much relief on his face, Jake nods and says, “I promise.”
“And that you’re not going to give up, because I’m not going to be there. I’m going to be here. Alone.”
I’m going to be alone.
I lower my head and begin to sob.
Jake cradles my face and gently lifts it, and kisses me, saying, “I’m not giving up. I promise,” before pulling me into a hug, and we’re both still crying and holding on so tight, the monitor bleeps like crazy.
“You’ll never be alone again,” he says, and I (want to) believe him.
We’re soulmates, after all.
But Jake’s leaving.
And he doesn’t know when he’s coming back.
OF COURSE, WE’RE BLEEDING
JAKE
THREE DAYS LATER
I STAND AT the window with Bella curled against my chest and press my mouth to the top of her head, watching as my brother pulls down the driveway and parks in front of Felix’s house.
Riley’s car is close behind.
And even though he texted when he left and I told him I’d be ready and waiting, CJ still lays on the horn for three long, obnoxious beeps, and when he spots me, waves like a little kid from behind the windshield, using both hands like I can’t fucking see him.
“Asshole,” I mumble, flipping him off.
And how he smiles.
I turn away and carry Bella toward the door, and holler up the stairs, “He’s here!”
“Be right down!” Felix yells.
Bella purrs and rubs her face against my neck.
“I’m going to miss you too,” I say. “But if you’re not nice to him while I’m gone, I’m not picking you up anymore. Got it? Quit being such a fucking bitch.”
She shows me her ass and then hops down as Felix bounds down the stairs carrying that Happy Retirement gift bag. There’s something in it again.
“Okay. I’m ready,” he says.
And he’s wearing that beanie just like the first day I met him, and another hoodie of mine. He’s basically confiscated half of my wardrobe.
Goodbyes suck.
“I think you should get a dog,” I say, trying to distract myself from the impending loneliness I’m about to be hit with. “And don’t give me that, but I’m a Capricorn, Jake, bullshit. Get a dog. One that barks and lets you know when dickheads pull up in front of the house.”