Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 109178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 546(@200wpm)___ 437(@250wpm)___ 364(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 109178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 546(@200wpm)___ 437(@250wpm)___ 364(@300wpm)
“I know you didn’t expect perfection, baby, but a tiny part of us always wants our mothers to live up to the fantasy we have of them in our minds. That’s what you had. A fantasy. We all fall short, honey… we fall short, and then the pedestal crumbles.” Nana sighed, then continued. “I do know that my daughter loves you and Nelson something strong. She sacrificed a lot for you two.”
“I know, Nana. I’ve thanked her for that many times. We were never homeless or starving.”
“I didn’t always agree wit’ how JoAnn went about things, but she was trying her best. I also know that she’s a hard nut to crack.” Nana coughed, snatched a balled-up tissue from her dress pocket, and blew into it. “Yo’ mama was the first. JoAnn is my oldest child, and her soul is old, too. People used to call ’er the teacher.” She smiled sadly.
“Yeah, I remember you telling me that. ’Cause she was real brainy, and a little bossy, too. The bossy part is definitely still there.” Nana burst out laughing.
“Yes… She taught me some stuff, too. She’s the one child that taught me just how awful I was… and in her own way, she never lets me forget it.” Nana’s forehead crimped.
“What do you mean by that? I never knew that mama resented you. I know that she didn’t like going to church every Sunday, and some little stuff here and there, but not her being angry at you. She never said anything like that to me personally.”
“Of course she didn’t.” Nana crossed her ankles. “That would then be her admitting, in her own way, that she was hurt by something that I had done to her personally. And you know JoAnn can’t dare do that.” Nana sucked her teeth. “She never told me directly that she despises me, can’t stand me, nothin’ like that. It’s the way she looks at me… takes forever to call me back… I can see it. I can feel it. She don’t want me to have no power over her, so she won’t say nothin.’ Confessions to JoAnn is weakness. Silence is power.”
That’s why the caged bird sings…
“Point taken.”
“When she was a child, well, that was a different story. Your mother always had a mouth on her, Nadia. Back then, when she was a kid, I didn’t take no sass, but it wasn’t because I thought it was disrespectful of children to talk like that to grown folk. If we’re being honest, baby, it’s because I know that is what us adults used to say to our children so we didn’t have to answer for our own shortcomings. We ain’t wanna be questioned by something we made. Something that came from us, but smaller than us. We wanna rule over that, control it ’cause everything else in the world feels bigger than us.”
Nana dropping gems today!
“We didn’t want to tell the truth, either. Pride and ego. Kids can be blunt. They’ll speak they mind. Ask why ya Aunt Toya always asking to borrow money when she got a job, or why Uncle Demarcus ain’t got no teeth, or why yo’ cousin Nita always yellin’ at her babies when they ain’t done nothin’.”
“That’s the truth right there. Who wants to explain that Aunt Toya is bad with money and spends it all up at the club and on weed, then expects the family to bail her out? Uncle Denny ain’t got no teeth because he drinks wine all day, and the sugar ate his grill up. Nita always yellin’ at her kids because she’s afraid they’ll end up like their father if she don’t get their butts in check right now. Nobody in their right mind wants to get gritty like that with little kids. It’ll break them into the realities of life. The real world. We wanna keep them in a protective bubble for as long as possible. At least that’s how I feel about my little cousins. Keep them away from heartbreak.”
“Yes we do want to keep them in a bubble, and that’s what I did with JoAnn.” Nana’s lips crimped in exasperation. “Despite your mother being so resilient, smart as a whip and independent as she was, she was a delicate child… felt things deeply. JoAnn was a sensitive soul. Right to her core.” This news hit Nadia by a big, whopping surprise. Mama didn’t come across as ever possessing a sensitive bone in her body. “But then, something in her changed, honey. The lights inside got dim. JoAnn got a hold of the family curse it seems. I wanted her to break it with you. But now, you’re upset and lost, too.”
“What family curse?”
“The one you tryna get up and around from, apparently. Got you thinking about life and your decisions. I pray every day, baby. Sometimes God answers. Actually, God answers all the time—it’s just sometimes the answer is no, and I don’t like that. I’ve learned that I gotta accept the no’s though. They’re there for our own protection. Struggle sometimes is a part of life.”