Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 191421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 957(@200wpm)___ 766(@250wpm)___ 638(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 191421 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 957(@200wpm)___ 766(@250wpm)___ 638(@300wpm)
My ex-boyfriend isn’t as possessive and domineering as his ex-best friend is.
Or was last night.
He wouldn’t let me call Jupiter for a ride. Said that there was no way he’d let someone else take me wherever the fuck it is that I want to go. Not after what… happened. So he’d dropped me off at Jupiter’s himself last night.
Eighteen hours and seventeen minutes ago, as of now.
With shaking legs, I climb out of her car and begin walking.
Toward the party.
Toward Lucas.
I wish I wasn’t doing this at a party, but this is where Lucas said he’d be. When I called him yesterday and said that I wanted to meet him; before going to the motel.
It was the first time we were talking. Since he gave me the ultimatum two weeks ago.
Since then, there had been radio silence between us. I never called and he had no reason to talk to me until I made up my mind.
But now I have.
As I approach closer and closer to the party though, to the loud music and the high laughter, to the happy crowd and the love of my life, my heart is racing.
My mind is racing too.
My body is shaking and sweating. It feels like I’m walking toward something disastrous. I’m walking toward something that I may never come back from.
Because I’m walking so far, far away…
From him.
But then, I’m doing it for his friendship.
I’m doing it for him.
For him. For him. For him…
And then suddenly I come to a halt. Because I remember something.
Well, I remember everything now — from the past I mean — but now I remember it in a different way.
I remember all the other things I did for him.
All the other things I did — I felt — because of him.
The first time I thought Lucas was nice to me in those woods, on the night of my thirteenth birthday.
The first time I kissed Lucas.
The reason I said yes to going out with Lucas in the first place.
All these thoughts run in my head like a movie reel.
Followed by these memories:
I thought Lucas was nice to me that night because he was mean to me.
I kissed Lucas because I wanted to prove something to him.
I said yes to a date with Lucas because I knew that he wouldn’t like it.
I knew that.
I wrote it in my diary even.
In my fucking diary.
That he read. And he could tell. From only three lines, he could tell that I had a crush on him.
Imagine if he read all of them. Imagine if I read all of them.
All of my diaries.
Six years’ worth.
Six fucking years’ worth of pages. And every single one is full of him.
Every single page is how he makes me feel.
How much I hate him. How sick he makes me.
I could name them my Hatesick Diaries.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh my God.
And then, again in flashes, my own written words come to me.
Every time he’d do something to hurt me, I’d write about how I sought comfort in Lucas. Every time he made me cry with his insults, I’d write about how Lucas is the best boyfriend ever for wiping my tears off. Every time he’d stare at me with his cold eyes, I’d write about how thankful I was that Lucas has kind eyes so he can make me forget his reddish-brown ones.
Not to mention, my own parents like Lucas because of how much they hated Reign. How they’d always compare the two and tell me how lucky I was that someone like Lucas was my boyfriend and not Reign.
And now, in this moment, I’m going back to Lucas because of him.
I’m going back because I want to give Reign his best friend back.
That’s what I wrote in my diary last night. I remember now.
And the fact that he thinks that Lucas is the right choice for me. He said that, didn’t he?
He said that that was where I belonged. With Lucas.
In fact he’s not only said it, he’s showed it to me.
And I wrote all of that.
I listed all the things he’s done, all the ways he’s pushed me toward Lucas since the very first night we’d met.
If you love him, then why wasn’t it on your list of things…
Because I don’t.
I do not love Lucas. I’m going back to him for his ex-best friend — and a variety of other reasons — but not for him.
No, no, no.
That’s not true, right?
It can’t be true.
It can’t…
I do love Lucas. I do…
Standing here, in the dark woods, with a party raging on only a short distance away, I pant.
I pant and pant and feel dizzy.
How have I never realized this before?
Every single action in my relationship with Lucas was an equal and opposite reaction to his ex-best friend.
My love for Lucas was born out of my hate for him.
It was born out of how much he made me feel.