Total pages in book: 36
Estimated words: 32431 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 162(@200wpm)___ 130(@250wpm)___ 108(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 32431 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 162(@200wpm)___ 130(@250wpm)___ 108(@300wpm)
Now the anger set in. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Don’t I deserve better? Don’t I deserve someone to hold me at night, to wake up next to me in the morning? Don’t I deserve someone who wanted all of me?
What had I done? To let myself fall in love with a man of whom I knew there was no hope of him ever returning the sentiment was beyond stupid. I’d rolled the dice and lost, and whatever might’ve been with time, was going to die a swift death very soon.
I had no doubt of the outcome. By rights I should tell him, he had a right to know. But I just wanted to steal a little more time for myself. Was that so wrong?
I felt bad for the little boy or girl who would never know their dad. Never know the beautiful, complicated man who’d fathered them. And I felt sorry for myself, for what I knew I would lose before long.
I walked through the house shedding my shoes and dropping my bag on a chair before heading to the bedroom. My eyes went to the big bed that we rarely shared. Our encounters were always unconventional. It’s something that never seemed planned but always just seemed to happen.
But I was beginning to learn that nothing with Jonas was left to chance. He was a very precise and methodical man who left no stone unturned to get what he wants.
He’d always been honest. From the very beginning he’d let his feelings be known, and had left the idea of an affair solely up to me. I knew since the death of his wife and child he’d avoided any real commitment. But that had been more than two years ago. Hadn’t enough time passed for him to be on the mend?
I was well aware that I wasn’t the first woman he’d enjoyed in the past year and a half, but like all silly young girls I hoped against hope that I would be the one he chose. The one who would mend his heart and gain his undying love forever.
I knew that he wasn’t seeing anyone else at the moment. For the last three months since we’d started I was the only one he’d been with. But was I any different than all the others that came before me?
Will I wake up one day and find that I was never anything more to him that something to do to pass the time? Just like all those others had been? Did he see all of us the same way? Or did I mean just a little bit more to him than they had?
All these questions plagued me, as I got ready for bed. This was the part of the evening I dreaded most. This is when I laid awake for hours weighing the pros and cons of carrying on the affair. Or here of late the big question was when should I tell him? My stomach grew queasy at the thought.
I fell asleep still no closer to an answer and woke in the morning with butterflies because I knew I would be seeing him soon. I hurried through my morning ritual while sipping a cup of herbal tea and chewing on a gutted toasted bagel.
I rushed out the door not because I was running late, but because seeing him first thing in the morning always made for an almost perfect day. Not to mention the one time we were both in the office before the others were due, he’d taken me against the wall in his office. That was still one of my favorite memories.
I liked it when he lost control like that. When he went against one of his own rules as if he couldn’t help himself. As if his need for me was just as strong as mine for him. There had been a lot of moments like those in the last few weeks. But now, just as I was beginning to think we might stand a chance at happily ever after, my body had betrayed me.
Today was not to be a repeat more’s the pity. Rachel, the new temp had beaten me there and was taking him a cup of coffee when I walked in.
A pang of jealousy hit me and I fought it back as I plastered a smile on my face. “Oh hi Thalia you’re in early.” It was on the tip of my tongue to accuse her of the same thing but I came up with an excuse as I fought my disappointment. “Yes I had some stuff to catch up on from yesterday. Figured I’d get a head start before the day got going.”
I hate the way she just smiled without saying anything. She does that a lot, as if she’s too preoccupied to be bothered. I’ve noticed a lot of little idiosyncrasies about her, but could never quite figure out if she was a little scattered, or if she was deliberately snubbing me.