Total pages in book: 141
Estimated words: 129427 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 647(@200wpm)___ 518(@250wpm)___ 431(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129427 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 647(@200wpm)___ 518(@250wpm)___ 431(@300wpm)
“And maybe I’m at the point in my life where that isn’t enough anymore. I love you more than I reasonably should. I’ve tried, Sophie, I have really tried not to push for too much, too fast, but that seems to be the path we’re on. If it isn’t what you want, then we need to let each other go now, before we wind up bitter and unhappy!”
I don’t know that I’d ever seen Neil so... angry. And hurt. My god, he was hurt. Because he thought I didn’t want him.
What a fucking idiot.
Even though I was furious with him, even though I knew I shouldn’t want him if he was willing to do this to me, I did. I knew I should be happy to be rid of him.
And even though I knew it was hopeless, even though I knew now that we wanted polar opposites from this relationship, I had to try. “I love you.”
Finally, he held my gaze for longer than a few seconds. His eyes— god, his eyes... I’d never really stood a chance— were glazed with unshed tears. Maybe it should have made me feel vindictively better to see that he was miserable, but it was hard to hate someone lying in a hospital bed. “And I love you. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“I don’t.” I wiped at my cheek with my fingertips. I didn’t doubt that he loved me. Not for a moment. He loved me enough to let me go, to not ruin my life when we knew we wanted different things. And that almost made me love him more. “But you’re really an asshole.”
I stood up and walked away. I didn’t look back at him.
“Take a few days to think it over,” he said, sounding far more tired than before. I felt so guilty, that we had argued in the hospital. I was a terrible girlfriend.
“I won’t be angry if you decide to take the job,” he continued. “But you said you weren’t looking for a commitment from me. Letting this opportunity pass you by, choosing me over this job... That’s a commitment. You should be honest with yourself, and with me. Don’t pass up this job expecting that it won’t change anything between us. It will.”
I turned, wiping my eyes quickly. “Fine. Give me a few days.”
“I’ll call you. When all of... this is over.” He gestured to the bed. “I just want you to be happy, Sophie.”
“You have no idea what would make me happy,” I sniffed miserably.
“Neither do you,” he pointed out gently. “You told me that you just got your life, and you weren’t ready to share it with anyone. I don’t want to lose you. But I will let you go, if it’s what you need.”
When I left the room, Emma was standing outside the door. She’d heard every word, goddammit.
She tried to say something, then stopped, and shook her head. “I suppose I might see you... again? I’m not entirely sure what to say, after all that.”
I didn’t have the time or the energy to engage her. “Just make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid while he’s in here.”
Everything I needed to know was all laid out in her expression. She thought he’d already done something stupid. Maybe she could talk some sense into him.
I got a cab home, despite my unemployed status and dwindling bank account. I just couldn’t bring myself to cry on the subway in front of strangers.
* * * *
Places look different when you’re sad. I stepped into the apartment and hung my coat up on the same peg I hang it on every night, but it looked wrong there.
I heard laughter from Holli’s room. I tip-toed to my bedroom. They were having a good time, there was no reason for them to come running out to console me. I would still be emotionally shattered in the morning.
I didn’t bother to turn on my bedroom light. I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. As silly as it sounded, I was afraid I would look pregnant. I knew my tummy was still mostly flat, and the little curve at the bottom would be there, fetus or not, so there was no reason to scrutinize my body quite yet.
Because the metaphorical human heart is a cruel son of a bitch, when I lay in bed, all I could think about was that day six years ago.
“First time going to Tokyo?”
“No, but I’ll bet it’s yours.”
A tear slid from my eye and dripped into my hair.
“So what, are you like, from England or something?”
“No, this is the accent I use when I try to pick up women in airports.”
Not only had he broken my heart, but he’d ruined one of my favorite memories. Great.
For a bitter moment, I wished that Neil had never come to Porteras. That he had remained Leif, the mysterious stranger from my one unbelievable night. I could have held onto him then, at a safe distance. I could have just kept on being myself— or whoever I’d thought I was before he’d come back into my life.