Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 71840 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 359(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71840 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 359(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
If Worth had seen through me, I was going to have to do better to hide how I felt about Matteo. “We were sizing each other up, trying to see if—”
“Bullshit,” Ford said.
Miles sighed. “We can’t fix this if we don’t know the whole story.”
“You know more about me than anyone,” I protested.
“That doesn’t mean we know everything. What really happened with you and Matteo?”
“He shot me and then let me go and told me to run.” That was true, but it sure as hell wasn’t everything. All of them saw right through me. The looks they gave me ranged from anger—Miles—to disappointment—Ford—to smug satisfaction—Worth and Jay.
I sighed. “Fine. I fucking lied, okay? It was a hell of a lot more than a few hook ups. I was crazy about him, willing to do what it took to keep him interested, and he….” I paused to take a shaky breath.
The cold calm that settled over Miles was far scarier than the anger he’d shown earlier. “If he hurt you, I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“Miles, Matteo fucking shot him,” Worth said.
“No, I mean if he—”
“Do you honestly think I can’t take care of myself? Jesus, Miles, I’m your head of security. I’m the one who is supposed to protect you.”
Ford laid a hand on Miles’s arm. “You don’t have to be in charge of everything.”
Miles huffed.
“Keep talking,” Jay said.
“I thought Matteo was just playing around, getting off on how easily he’d charmed me and convinced me to break all the rules.”
“And now?” Worth asked.
“Now I’m not so sure. Tonight he acted like I was crazy not to have known how much he cared for me.”
Miles growled. “Fucking manipulative son of a bitch.”
“He can be, but…don’t you think I’m expecting that? Do you think I wanted to fall back into his arms?”
Worth’s eyes went wide, and I froze. I’d fucked up. “I didn’t mean—”
“You fucked him?” Jay asked. “After all this? After he kidnapped Ford? After he betrayed you?”
“He’s CIA. He was undercover, and he never hurt Ford.”
Ford snarled. “He scared the shit out of me, and worse, Jay.”
Why was I defending Matteo? I’d told him to his face that I didn’t give a fuck if he was CIA or not. He still betrayed us as far as I was concerned, but now, when my friends dismissed the importance of him being undercover, I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to yell at them, to tell them to show him some respect. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Are you saying you’ve forgiven him?” Miles’s voice was calmer than I would have expected.
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I really don’t know what I think, but I can’t send him away to die. If he was working for the CIA, as much as I hate that bunch of spooks, he was an undercover agent. I can’t kill him for that.”
“No, but you don’t have to fuck him,” Worth said.
“I didn’t say I—”
Miles raised his brows. “You didn’t say you didn’t.”
“What difference does it make? You of all people”—I looked at Worth—“know that you don’t have to like someone to use their body.”
“No, but it can’t be good for your mental health to fuck someone who betrayed you, someone you used to be in love with.”
“I was obsessed with him. I didn’t say I was in love with him.”
“Not with your words,” Ford said.
“Carter, you need to be able to stay objective.”
Miles was right. They were all right. I’d been an idiot overtaken by emotions and feelings I didn’t understand. I couldn’t sort through all the anger, the sadness, and the brokenness he left me with. But I wasn’t going to touch him again. I was only going to do my duty and keep him safe, which was more than he did for me.
Is that fair? Didn’t he do what he could to keep you safe? Could you have done anything else in his position?
He could’ve not listened to the stupid spies. He could’ve stayed with our unit. He could’ve been sure he was on the side of good.
Could he? Do you really think it’s that simple?
“Carter?” Worth’s voice seemed much too distant. I pushed all my conflicting thoughts away and looked at him. “Are you okay?”
I barely kept myself from laughing. I was so very far from okay. I wouldn’t be okay until the cartel was demolished, and I figured out what other secrets Matteo was keeping from me. I might not be okay until I got him out of the city.
Like you’d be okay without him now.
“We don’t need his help to take down the cartel,” Miles said.
“I don’t want him out of my sight until this situation is dealt with.”
Miles studied me for a moment. “Because you don’t trust him or because you need to protect him?”
“Both.”
Ford sighed. “Shit Carter, you can’t get involved with this man. Think about what he did to you.”