Total pages in book: 157
Estimated words: 150968 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 755(@200wpm)___ 604(@250wpm)___ 503(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 150968 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 755(@200wpm)___ 604(@250wpm)___ 503(@300wpm)
The sound of me vomiting and my awful gagging echo around the wall of my bathroom. But I won't stop.
I can’t stop.
I don’t know how to stop.
The smell is so pungent, making my vomiting so much worse, that I start to feel dizzy. Good. I need to take everything out. Sobbing, I heave with great revulsion over the bowl of the toilet. I need to expel every single bite I took.
Everything feels so gross. I am disgusted with myself.
But it’s the trigger I need. That feeling. It keeps me going. I need it.
I need it so that I don’t break.
Tears run down my cheeks, and I wipe away my snot with the sleeves of my shirt. I cough and gag until it feels like my lungs are about to give out. My body is so strained that I start to feel cramps everywhere. In my stomach, in my chest, in my legs.
There’s a dull pain in the back of my skull. A cruel headache that usually accompanies my purging. After what feels like hours with me hunching over the toilet, I finally move. My muscles are sore and twitching as I crawl into the shower.
I barely have the energy to undress, but once I have my dress (stained with vomit) off, I open the water. Sliding against the wall of my shower, I sit and close my eyes. The water rains over my sore body, warm until it grows cold. My body is lethargic, but the familiar feeling of self-loathing hammers through me.
My soul has taken a beating.
My body is weakened.
And my mind…I can’t think.
There’s a hole inside me, something dark. Something dangerous. Something so ugly I can’t let the world see it. Ever.
***
Everyone grows quiet when I walk in, just as expected. The whole cafeteria is watching me now, silently judging. I can feel their stares burning into me, but I keep my back straight and head high as I walk to the food line. They can talk, they can laugh — but they won’t break me. Not today.
I was naive to trust Jasper, but that won’t be a mistake I make again.
I will not be fooled a second time, not by a guy like Jasper.
Elaine and Blythe are already at our table, and I give them a nod in passing. I only take a slice of pizza, a brownie and a bottle of water. The attendant swipes my school card and I walk back to where my friends are sitting.
The moment I sit, Elaine leans in closely to whisper in my ears, “You’re the center of attention, again.”
“When am I not?” I force a smile, trying to lighten the mood. It’s not a big deal; I’m always the center of attention. More so even when I started dating Jasper six months ago. He’s a popular linebacker of Berkshire Academy, so the boys wish they were him and the girls constantly vie for his attention. When our relationship was made public, I became the object of desire for the boys, and the source of jealousy for the same girls who wanted Jasper for themselves.
Well, they can have him now. I want nothing to do with that piece of shit.
Enjoy my leftovers, bitches. His dick was nothing special, that’s for sure.
“It’s for a totally different reason today, though,” Blythe adds, with a slight wince.
I pick up the pizza and bring it to my mouth. I don’t take a bite though. It’s just an act I have mastered. The act of making people believe that I’m eating. I nibble on the corner, just barely tasting the flavor of the pepperoni pizza. I hate eating in front of people. “Well, I was simply a bet to him.”
Blythe frowns, her eyebrows pulling together in confusion. “I don’t understand, are you not hurt?”
After finding out what happened at the party on Saturday night, Blythe and Elaine called me the next morning. Elaine found out from Diego that Jasper only dated me for a bet.
A bet he made with his fellow jock friends.
I’m the Cheer Captain, popular, rich and beautiful. Unapproachable. I didn’t date and most definitely didn’t have time to goof around with boys — even though, God knows how many have tried. I was what they described as desirable but unattainable.
So I became a bet.
Who could seduce and win me over. Who could take my virginity.
Jasper was confident he’d win. And I guess he did.
Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice — oh, no, no.
So, am I hurt? Not really.
Am I angry, though? Yes. I’m more than furious.
They took my dignity and made it into a game of cat and mouse. They made me into a joke. Yeah, I’m enraged.
“I’m not hurt,” I respond to Blythe’s confusion. “Angry, yeah. But hurt? Not at all. You need to care and love someone to be heartbroken over their betrayal. I could care less about Jasper and his bets.”