Total pages in book: 157
Estimated words: 150968 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 755(@200wpm)___ 604(@250wpm)___ 503(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 150968 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 755(@200wpm)___ 604(@250wpm)___ 503(@300wpm)
“Bulimia,” I whisper, the sound of my heart shattering echoes in my ears. It’s the first time I’ve said it — admitted it out loud. “I researched…I have bulimia, not anorexia.”
His lips curl with a sneer. “Whatever it is, I don’t care. You’re leaving tonight. Get changed, pack your bags and get the fuck out of my sight, Riley.”
Tears slide down my cheeks and I choke on my sobs. My father walks away, leaving me and my mother alone. “I can’t go, Mom.”
“You need help,” she says, grimacing, “you’re sick.”
I see the look on her face, the unguarded expression she gives me. My gaze falls to the floor, my body growing numb. Coldness seeps into my bones, and my heart withers.
“I know I’m sick, but why does that disgust you?”
Her answer is silence, and as her footsteps fade away, I let out another wretched cry. “Why? WHY? Why does that disgust you? Why do you…hate me so much? WHY?”
Why can’t you just tell me it’s going to be okay?
Why don’t you care?
Why can’t you just pretend to care?
But I know I will never get the answers to my questions. I rub my hands down my face, swiping away the tears and snot. Then standing up on my shaky legs, I straighten my spine.
They can’t break me.
I won’t let them break me.
My existence has been obliterated, and I pick up the fragmented pieces of my soul with my bare, bleeding hands.
I do as I’m told.
Dutiful. Loyal. Compliant.
It’s a repeated mantra in my head; I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. The grooming that’s been done to me since I was merely a child.
I pack my bags, and I get inside the waiting car. The moon is full in the dark midnight sky, beautiful. A deep contrast to the ugliness that surrounds my soul, my very being.
And with that, I leave behind the Riley the world has always known.
Riley — 16 years old (Sophomore year)
The party is already in full swing when I walk through the door of Jasper’s house. I know I’m an hour late, but that was me debating if I should bail on my own birthday party and stay in bed, or force myself to make an appearance.
But if I had bailed, I would have never heard the end of it from Jasper. He’ll probably tell me how much of a bore I am.
And that’s my need to please him. To keep him happy and satisfied.
I have everything I need and to the outside world, I’m living life behind rose-tinted glasses. Perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect cheerleader, and now perfect girlfriend.
The moment I walk through the door, Elaine practically runs to me. Her blonde hair is in a high ponytail and her green minidress molds perfectly to her curves. Her winged eye-liner is flawless and her lips are painted bright red. She’s drop-dead gorgeous. Elaine wears her confidence like a second skin, and there’s nothing fake about it. She knows she’s hot and if she could, she’d advertise it on a billboard. I wish I could be like that.
When people look at me, they see someone poised, determined and confident. Rich and in control. They don’t see the drowning person, the one sinking into the abyss. They don’t see the devils sitting on my shoulders, taunting me over my weaknesses and failures.
“You’re late, Little Miss Popular.”
I roll my eyes. Elaine has been calling me that nickname since she lost the title of Cheer Captain to me last year.
“I know, but where’s Jasper?” My gaze moves around the crowded room, searching for my boyfriend. “I don’t see him.”
Elaine shrugs. “I saw him earlier, but I don’t know where he is now.”
Diego moves stealthily behind Elaine, his arm snaking around her waist, and he roughly pulls her back into his body. She squeals, and then bursts into a fit of drunken giggles when he starts kissing her neck. “Stop, babe.”
“Maybe we need to take this outside, to my car,” he suggests, loud enough for me to hear.
“Hmm, I agree.”
I watch as Diego maneuvers Elaine through the crowd, and out of the house. Well, I guess I won’t be seeing her again for the rest of the night.
The scent of sweat and alcohol is overpowering, and the music is too loud. My heart thuds in my chest and my hands grow clammy with sweat. To my left, I see Blythe on Jakob’s lap. Sasha is dancing with some guy I’ve never seen before, and Jenny is nowhere to be found.
Blythe and Elaine are what I would call my “childhood friends.” We’ve known each other since we were six years old. Through playdates and gossip, we became inseparable. We tell each other our secrets— except the ones I want to keep hidden. The ugly secrets that no one knows, but it breeds on my fear and feeling of defeat.