Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 408(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 272(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 408(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 272(@300wpm)
Mason nodded, placing his hand tentatively on top of mine.
“He came over to the couch where I was sitting, sat down right next to me so our knees were touching. I tried to scoot away but he grabbed onto my knee and told me to relax. Then he started talking in a way that terrified me. Started asking if I’d ever touched another man and asked me if I wanted to. My heart was racing, like so fucking fast I thought I was gonna die. Then he…he took hold of my hand and put it on his crotch. I tried to pull away but he held on so tight I swear my fingers would’ve broken if I’d moved them.”
My eyes closed involuntarily, forcing me back to that place.
“I could feel him growing hard through his pants and I felt so fucking sick. I tried to plan how I would take him out while he carried on talking but I was terrified I wouldn’t be strong enough. And I was right. He was so big. Like six feet five, built like a brick shit house. He had me pinned down on my stomach before I could scream. He was so heavy. I remember that so vividly, the feel of him on my back. So heavy I gasped for air. I grabbed onto the fibers of the carpet, trying to get some leverage to pull myself from under him but either my grip was too weak or the carpet was too short.
“While he was…doing it, he told me he loved me. Said I was like one of his own children. He asked me if I loved him too and because I was petrified of what else he might do if I said no, I nodded. That’s when he said because he loved me that meant he had the control. When someone loves you, you owe it to them to give them what they want. Reward them for caring.
“When he’d finished he asked if I enjoyed it. Said the blood on his cock suggested that I didn’t. At that point I was numb. I didn’t know if he wanted the truth or what might happen if I told it, but I shook my head anyway…and he smiled. ‘Well that’s what being a queer entails’ he said. ‘Maybe you should rethink your choice’. I didn’t understand. Minutes before he said he loved me, and now he was making me feel dirty and shameful for believing I was gay. Either way, I didn’t understand what love was, I still don’t, but I knew in that very second I’d never risk finding out.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell anyone?” he sounded frustrated, but only for a second before his fingers melted around mine. “He had no right to do that to you, to do this to you,” he added, motioning his free hand over my trembling body.
“No one would’ve believed me. It was my word against his. A kid who’d been acting up because he was ‘confused’, according to my parents, and a senior police commissioner. Even if someone had believed me, my father wouldn’t have allowed it to go any further. He was running for leader of his political party, he wouldn’t have let me ruin that.”
“You wouldn’t have ruined anything. This was all on him don’t you dare blame yourself.”
“I could’ve stopped it. I knew deep down where it was leading when he started talking to me the way he did. I should’ve ran away.”
“You were afraid. You were a kid for Christ’s sake! He was a fully-grown man, you didn’t stand a chance.”
“Are you going to leave now?”
“Why would I do that?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“Because you know the truth. You know I’m…ruined.”
“Ryder look at me,” he ordered, cupping my face with his hands and turning my head so I was forced to face him. “You are not ruined. You are strong, and beautiful, and I’ve never wanted to stay here with you more.” Dropping his hands from my face he clasped my hands on top of his knees. “But, can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer.”
“Um, sure.”
“When you cut, does it make you feel better? Like you’re, I don’t know, releasing some of the pressure?”
“Yes,” I breathed, my face flushing with shame.
“And talking to me just now, did that make you feel better?”
“Yes,” I answered truthfully.
“Then promise me if you ever get the urge to do that again, if this pain you feel inside gets so bad you need to get it out, talk to me instead.”
“I can’t promise that, Mase. Sometimes it’s just too strong. Like a craving that won’t go away until I’ve succumbed to it.”
“Then promise to try. Please, Ryder. You’ve come further in this past hour than I think you’ve ever come in your life. Don’t stop now. Let me help you. Let me in.”