Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 78163 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 391(@200wpm)___ 313(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78163 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 391(@200wpm)___ 313(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
Her lower lip trembled, but she’d lost some of her righteous bravado. She dabbed at the corner of her eye and cleared her throat before speaking. “I love him. I love you both. But he’s got to be right with the Lord, Justin. It’s the only way.”
I stared at her for a long moment, then blurted, “I’m in love with a man.”
She blinked in surprise and waited a few beats, like she was sure I’d take my words back. “You’re just saying that.”
“No. It’s true. I don’t know if he loves me, but he likes me. I wish that was enough, but I’m greedy. I want things I never thought I could have now. But they don’t seem to matter if I can’t have him.”
“Why are you telling me this?” She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head.
“Because I’m tired of lying…or telling half-truths. It’s making me miserable. I love you, Mom. And so does Rory. We’re the older versions of the kids who taped those posters up in the room down the hall. Things have changed, but we’re still us.”
She dabbed at the corners of her eyes furiously and then gasped as if in pain before the first sob wracked her body. I moved to her side and pulled her against me. “I love you, I love you. I can’t lose you too. I can’t…”
“Shh. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll always be here,” I chanted, holding her close. “But you gotta talk to Rory. You can’t do this to him. To us.”
“Yes,” she sobbed. After a minute or two, she pushed at my chest and let out a ragged breath. “I’m a mess. I have to fix myself before work, and I’m gonna be late. There’s money on my dresser. Take what you need and lock up behind you. And…what’s his name?”
That stopped me. I narrowed my eyes and stuffed my hands into my pocket. “Gray.”
My mother stared at me for a long moment. Her eyes glistened with tears. I could practically see her struggle to compute and comprehend something she didn’t understand as I held my breath and waited for judgment.
“Okay. I love you.”
She grabbed her purse from the counter and hurried into the next room before I could respond.
I couldn’t tell if it went well or not. She said she loved me, which was a good thing, right? I thought about warning Rory but decided that was their story. I had my own to untangle and rewrite. I just wished I didn’t have to do it alone.
11
Gray
This wasn’t my first heartbreak. I’d had a few. Some were relatively small and easy to get over, like the time Sherry Hansen told me she liked another boy in second grade. Sure, I’d been crushed, but bigger hurdles awaited. Like losing Seb. I’d loved him blindly. He was dynamic and self-possessed and so damn handsome. And best of all, we shared a need for secrecy. I hadn’t wanted to come out officially and rock any boats. It might not have affected my career, but it would have ruined my relationship with my parents. Maybe they suspected there was more between Seb and me, but we didn’t talk about it because saying the words aloud would give them power. They’d need validation or condemnation. Either would change us…and not necessarily for the better.
But losing Justin was worse.
I couldn’t say why. It didn’t make sense to me that I could fall so hard for an unpredictable, headstrong barista-slash-bartender who was eighteen years younger than me. Age wasn’t really a factor—it was an excuse. It allowed me to push him aside into a neat box where I could be the mentor. The one with all the experience and connections. I misjudged the power of sheer bravery. Justin wasn’t afraid to stand up and face his fears. He didn’t second-guess himself or assume someone else’s viewpoint could work for him. He was true to himself and…he loved me.
At least, he said he did.
“I like that piece,” Seb said. He sat on one of the Eames chairs in my living room, cradling a beer between his spread thighs. “Do I know it?”
“No. But you will.”
“Okay.” He went quiet before trying again. “Is it for Baxter’s—”
“I’m not talking about that,” I snapped.
“How long are we going to do this? I said I’m sorry twenty times. I told their manager…aka, my son, I’d draw up a new contract and I apologized. You’re all acting like it’s the end of the world and it’s just a fucking song!”
I flattened my hand over the keys, sending a clang of uneven notes through the room as I shoved away from the piano and rounded on him furiously.
“You don’t fucking get it, do you? You lie and apologize over and over again, Seb. This isn’t a movie. This is real life and real people. I told you to leave Justin alone, but you had to have his story. Did you get it? Did pitting him against his ex make him seem more exciting? Did it give you ideas to sell to the masses? Did it make you feel powerful?” I spat angrily.