Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 78163 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 391(@200wpm)___ 313(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78163 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 391(@200wpm)___ 313(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
“So you found the guitar and your bisexuality on the same day. Nice.”
Justin scratched his chin. “I guess that’s true. I lied about both for a long time too.”
“How so?”
“Well, I only half-assed play guitar and I only recently came out as bi. That makes me sound like a jerk, doesn’t it?”
I frowned. “No. Why would it?”
Justin sucked in a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I have all these big ideals when it comes to social justice and honesty, but I worry about my credibility and authenticity. You’re the real thing. I’m a pretender.”
“The best part about getting older is not giving a fuck what other people think. You fit in where you feel most comfortable, not where others say you should.” I kissed his temple impulsively. “It’s taken me every single one of my forty-four years on the planet to accept who I am and go for what I want. When I was younger, I played piano because I loved it and later because my parents loved it for me. They didn’t like guitar. They associated it with a lifestyle they didn’t approve of…drugs, sex, and rock and roll. They were very against me moving to California, but they approved of the commercial jingles. I was a pleaser. I kept my guitar playing and hell, even skateboarding mostly to myself. I might have pushed it once in a while, but I wanted to make them happy, so I showed them one side of myself and kept the rest secret.”
“You mean about being bi?”
“Anything they wouldn’t have approved of…and yeah, my sexuality was a big one. The unspoken rule was, if it’s uncomfortable, we didn’t talk about it. They never knew about any male lovers I had, just women they assumed were girlfriends…and my ex-wife.”
“Did they like her?”
“Yes. They didn’t know her well, but they liked the idea of me settling down and eventually having a family of my own. Mandy and I were married for ten years. All but one year was for show. She was bi and in a relationship with a woman. Both of them were high-profile movie execs. I was bi and mostly single. We were each other’s beards at a time when coming out was career suicide.”
“Even in LA?”
“Yep. A lot has changed in the last twenty-five years, Jus. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship where my partner has been able or willing to say, ‘That’s the guy who’s important to me.’ ”
“That sucks.”
I shrugged. “It does, but I got used to it. And I like my own company just fine.”
“You sound like me.”
“The difference is, you’re younger and braver. You’ve come of age at a time where equality, social justice, and RuPaul are mainstream topics. It may be a struggle still, but the conversations are out in the open now. That wasn’t the case when I was your age. And I really hate how old that just made me sound,” I said with a laugh.
“You’re not old. You don’t act old. I think it’s because you’re creative. You push yourself to see things through other people’s eyes. We wouldn’t be out here freezing our asses off if you took the easy way out and just wrote the same tired shit every time.”
“All right, all right. I get the hint. Let’s go.” I rubbed his arm and then shifted to stand.
Justin grabbed the bottom of my jacket and pulled me back, so I landed half on top of him with my leg draped over his thigh. “Stay like this.”
“I’m sitting on your lap.”
“Not quite…but I like it. You always hold on to me, let me hold you for a minute.”
The sentiment touched me in a way I couldn’t easily explain. I wanted to go home and write down how I felt and why. Then I wanted to twist my feelings into words I could give to someone else so the emotions didn’t choke the life out of me and demand attention I wasn’t sure I could give. But when I tried to move and reclaim my spot beside him, he tightened his hold and shook his head. My rigid posture slowly relaxed as he talked about practice…Johnny’s awesome guitar riff, Tegan and Ky’s perfect rhythmic timing. He was seemingly unaware of my turbulent headspace. And after a while, so was I.
8
Gray
According to Seb, the studio wasn’t happy with the legal mumbo jumbo required to potentially include Zero on the soundtrack. In other words, they were stalling. I’d been around the business a long time and had become an expert at calling out bullshit. I’d bet big bucks they’d drafted a contract to Seb’s specifications fit for an unknown artist and were waiting for him to give in. Justin told me he’d received an initial letter of intent inviting him to cowrite a song. It wasn’t a contract, though. It was a lure. Something to let him know they were interested and willing to pay a one-time commission. The sum was peanuts comparatively speaking, but a high five figures was a lot of money to a guy struggling to make ends meet. Seb couldn’t understand why he insisted on bringing the band into the equation.