Series: Fever Falls Series by Riley Hart
Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 96260 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 481(@200wpm)___ 385(@250wpm)___ 321(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 96260 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 481(@200wpm)___ 385(@250wpm)___ 321(@300wpm)
“I’m so sorry, Keeg,” Owen said, keeping me close to him. “I know the feeling. I felt that way too when I lost Mother, but it is better now. It’s taken a long time to heal that wound, but even though it’ll never be fully healed, it’s not that immobilizing pain, that feeling like nothing will ever be okay. Instead, it’s more like nothing can ever be the same.”
“No, it can’t,” I said. “I hate that I was so young. I took so much for granted. I assumed he would always be there, and that I would get to tell him I loved him one last time, let him know how I felt. How amazing he was to us. Did you get to say goodbye to your mom?”
He nodded. “Yes, it took the cancer a very long time to finish ravaging her body, so we had the opportunity to say all the I-love-yous we needed to, but it wasn’t easy to watch the strong woman we’d grown up with become so fragile and weak…and tired. To watch the life get sucked out of her over the course of several years. It’s an awful moment when you’re sitting by the one you love, who’s just been taken off the ventilator, and you want it to end because you know she’s in pain, but the suffering just won’t end and feels like it’s going to go on forever.”
“I’m sorry. That sounds horrible, O.” I imagined having to see Crawford suffer the same sort of fate. At the end of the day, regardless of how people left this world, it couldn’t be done without being cruel to those left behind.
I put my arms around O, hoping to soothe him as he had soothed me.
“Do you have dreams where she’s back? I have dreams all the time, where Crawford comes home that night. That they were wrong about him being dead, and I’m so happy he’s alive. We go out and play basketball together in the driveway and laugh and joke like nothing ever happened. And then I wake up and have to grieve all over again.”
“All the time,” Owen said. “We never lose anyone once. We lose them a thousand…maybe a million times in our dreams…in every brutal memory we can’t help but reflect on.”
There was something so healing about…just not feeling so alone in my pain. We sat there in silence, both of us sniffling, and neither of us seeming to try and stop ourselves.
“I like to believe he’s somewhere,” I added, enjoying the feeling of catharsis of sharing with someone—especially him. “I like to believe he knows I love him, but wishing it so doesn’t really make me feel much better.”
“He knew you loved him, Keegan. How could he not have known?”
“I miss his kind smile and the way his eyes lit up…and his hugs.”
“I miss her laugh and her kisses…and her hugs too.”
We both seemed to hold one another even tighter, as though trying to make up for what neither of us had anymore.
It took me a few more moments to collect myself, but when I managed to, I pulled away. “I guess I’m going to have to get better at this, because we’re going to have to discuss this kind of stuff at some point, apparently.”
“It’ll definitely come up. Is that too much for you?”
The way he asked it, it was as though I had some choice to suddenly walk out of this. “I’m not going to quit over that,” I assured him. “I’m stronger than I look.”
In an instant, the guard I let down for him returned. I hadn’t shared that with him because I was some frail thing who couldn’t take care of himself.
He seemed to pick up on my uneasiness because he said, “I have no doubt about that, Keeg, but it’s okay to be weak every once in a while.”
His words reminded me he was only trying to be nice and look out for me. Still, I eyed him skeptically. “Do you live by that philosophy, or just give that advice to others?”
Considering this was the first time I’d seen Owen express such vulnerability, I suspected I knew the answer.
“Maybe I’m giving it to both of us,” he said with a smirk.
“And here I thought my biggest issue today would be talking to you about last night,” I finally said, figuring we had to address the elephant in the room at some point anyway.
“Did you have anything specific you wanted to talk about regarding that?” Owen pressed.
“You don’t regret any of it, do you?”
“I regret that I’m only going to have Hot Lips on my dick in emergency situations, but other than that, no.”
Although I still felt uneasy after everything we’d discussed, his words offered me some relief.
“I just don’t want you to think that anything that happens is going to make me walk away from this. Even if you were a total dick to me, I’m not just helping you. I know how important this is, and I want to be involved.”