Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Just like the night he’d been shot, JJ’s disappearance from my life a second time had nearly destroyed me. The fact that he’d voluntarily left me when he’d walked out of the cabin had disintegrated what was left of my heart.
Or so I’d thought.
Obviously, a few shards had been left behind. It was the only explanation for my behavior. I’d wanted to be with JJ from afar, but I wasn’t strong enough to take what he was freely offering. Yet here I was, watching the man who had been and always would be my other half, being ripped apart by my own cruelty and stupidity.
When I’d pulled back from the near kiss, I’d only been thinking about the need to shield myself from another round of crippling despair. Once I’d realized how JJ had interpreted my defection, I’d been desperate to make him understand that my behavior had been out of a need for self-preservation and not because he’d done anything wrong. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it out loud.
I hadn’t given any thought to the humiliation JJ would feel because of my rejection. His over-the-top reaction hadn’t made sense until he’d mentioned being tested. It was only then that I’d realized he believed I’d pulled back from the almost kiss because of the things he’d done at Tank’s.
I’d never once judged JJ for all the things that had happened at Tank’s. How could I? He hadn’t gone there because he’d enjoyed what those men had done to him. He’d gone there because he’d needed to escape and for whatever reason, reckless, degrading sex and copious amounts of alcohol had given him a sense of false peace that had worked long enough to get him through the rest of the hours of each day. If anything, I’d wanted JJ even more because his behavior had been proof that he’d been hurting just like me. But I’d never told him that. Not directly, anyway. In fact, I’d cruelly used it against him during one of our “discussions” at the cabin. I’d talked down to him like he’d been some stupid kid jumping from one guy to another just for the thrill of it.
My raw admission that I couldn’t go through losing him for a third time hadn’t made things better.
The fact that JJ didn’t even try to move when I lifted my weight off of him and stood was proof enough that all I’d done was even more damage. I opened my mouth to try and explain that everything was on me, that he’d done nothing wrong, but I couldn’t speak. My throat had closed up and my eyes stung from the tears I’d helplessly shed as I’d witnessed JJ’s violent reaction to my inadvertent cruelty.
I turned and went to the sink to moisten some of the cheap, thin paper towels that were meant for people to dry their hands with. I moved slowly because I was desperately trying to figure out how to undo what I’d done. The sound of shuffling behind me had me looking in the mirror. The reflection showed JJ now standing. He didn’t go for the door, though. He stood quietly and stared at me. My eyes held his for several beats before I forced myself to look down so I could pretend to focus on what I was doing. Although I’d meant the paper towels for JJ so he could clean his face, the fact that my hands were shaking was proof that at some point those paper towels had become a prop. Something to keep me from having to face him again. The adrenaline that had been pumping through my blood during the struggle was starting to dissipate and all of the emotions I’d tucked away after JJ had walked out of the cabin began to come back in brutal, painful punches.
The military had taught me how to survive under the most extreme and demanding physical conditions as well as how to keep my cool in the most high-pressure situations that would have left most men folding, but I had no control over my feelings when it came to the one man standing behind me. How was that possible?
I flinched when I felt a light touch skim over my back. I should have been able to look up and face JJ like a man, but I was too weak.
“I never should have touched you,” I murmured as I sensed rather than saw JJ move around me so that he was at my side. I shook my head. “That first night when I came back, I never should have touched you. I should have left your house the second I realized…”
I fell silent because what else was there to say? I’d already said and done enough stupid things tonight. Piling on more was pointless.
JJ didn’t respond to my words. Instead, I felt his fingers close over mine but only so he could remove the wet paper towels that were crumpled up in my fist. I let him take them. I didn’t want to look at him so I kept my head down, but when I felt his fingers close around my upper arms so he could turn me, I didn’t stop him.