Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
His hold on me was gentle but somehow still unbreakable.
“Cass,” I tried again, but then his lips were skimming the shell of my ear.
“Turns out that if I’m with the right person, I kind of like being hidden away from the rest of the world,” he whispered into my ear.
When Cass pulled back so he could look me in the eye again, all the emotions that had been ripping me to pieces dissipated, leaving only one behind. The one that had been a part of me for so long, even during my black hole of lost time.
I wanted to say the word to him. I wanted so badly to put it between the two other smaller words so he’d know how I really felt about him. I wanted him to say it back to me.
Except he wouldn’t be speaking to me.
He’d be saying the cherished words to a ghost.
“I’ve never done that,” I said shakily as I tried to collect myself. “Make love,” I stammered as I recovered from the near disaster.
I felt Cass’s smile rather than saw it. He’d moved in close enough that his lips were brushing mine as he spoke. “Me either,” he admitted sheepishly. I closed my eyes in glorious anticipation of finally feeling his mouth moving over mine again, but it never came. Instead, the hands holding my wrists loosened, then dropped away. The heat that Cass’s body had enveloped mine in evaporated. The mouth that had brushed briefly against my own with the weight of nothing more than a feather floated away like it had never been there to begin with.
I forced myself to keep my eyes closed as I listened to the soft thud of retreating footsteps. For once, I wished for the blinding pain to burst to life behind my eye, but karma once again intervened. I wasn’t going to be able to escape so I could hide my feelings. The second I opened my eyes, Cass would see everything, and since he hadn’t taken what I’d been freely offering, it meant one thing.
He remembered who I was.
Or rather, who I wasn’t.
I may not have had the blinding pain in my head to help me, but humiliation made up for it. I opened my eyes but kept my head down. “I should go,” I said as I bolted for the door. I didn’t even manage to get it open before Cass slammed it shut again with his hand and held it there.
“It’s not safe, JJ,” Cass said, though I could barely hear him because of the roaring sound in my ears. Heat was spreading along my shoulders, neck, and face.
“I’ll be fine,” I stammered. “I’m armed and I made sure I wasn’t followed.” I tugged on the door as hard as I could, but it wouldn’t budge. The shame was like a living thing inside of me. Despite all of the self-bravado talk I’d engaged in with myself as I’d searched Cass out, the reality was that no matter how much I wanted him, he’d finally come to his senses and realized it wasn’t me he really wanted. He’d been in the park for one reason and one reason only.
To protect me.
It would never be anything more than that, no matter how much I tried to be a better man.
“Fine, call Sully. He’ll come—” I began.
“I’m not talking about that kind of safe,” Cass said, his voice achingly gentle. It just made everything worse. How could he be so calm while my entire world felt like it was imploding?
If he wasn’t talking about my physical safety, then what the hell was he talking about?
Oh God…
“I got tested,” I barked. “I mean, I know it doesn’t matter, but I asked Sully to take me to a clinic and somehow I tested negative for everything, but I need to be retested—”
“JJ—”
I ignored Cass’s attempt to get my attention. I hadn’t meant to admit anything about getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases because he had already made it clear that a physical relationship wasn’t going to happen. The mere thought that Cass had been worried about picking something up from me because of my reckless sexual behavior was another level of humiliation I just couldn’t take. It was something I ultimately would have told him if things had gone differently, but to actually confront the truth about the real reason he’d stopped short of kissing me was unbearable.
When Cass continued to hold the door closed, my flight response changed to fight. I turned and slammed my hands against his chest. He grunted but didn’t let go of the door. I didn’t have enough room to throw a punch, so I went for every other self-defense tactic I’d been trained in. None of it worked because I had no strength left.
Physical or emotional.
I let my back slide down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I couldn’t stop the sobs that poured out of me. I choked on the unleashed screams in my throat and tore at my hair in the hopes of gaining control of something… anything. In what universe would I ever be normal? I’d had my shot with Cass two years earlier and even though it had been taken from me, that didn’t mean I could have it back just because I wanted it to be that way. I couldn’t change myself into a better version of me overnight. Not after everything I’d done.