Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 84195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
“But is it?” Mom asked. “At some point, and I passed that a long time ago, I need to accept that it’s me…and I’ve finally done that. Every time it’s the same—I’m too much, too this, too that. Over and over and over. And it’s like I don’t learn. I do the same shit and expect different results.”
I put an arm around her, kissed the top of her head, tried to figure out what to say and how to say it. The truth was, I thought Mom had shit taste. She picked assholes because she didn’t think she was worthy of more. I didn’t think she should change for anyone. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with her, not in that sense of the word, but I did know she was right. They did often say similar things, and she did often repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Not only when it came to men, but also about jobs and such. I’d seen it enough by now to know. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I love you, and you’re great, but…maybe you should look into talking to someone again? I remember when I was younger you used to see a therapist. Maybe you can learn how to get yourself out of a rut.”
“I just want someone to love me.”
“I love you.”
“You know what I mean.”
I did know. She meant a man, but maybe…maybe she needed to learn to love herself first.
“And I do love you too, my sweet boy. You’re my heart. And I promise, I’m done, for real this time. I have you, and that’s all that matters. How’s Clark?”
Her change of subject didn’t surprise me. Mom was good at focusing the attention on her when she wanted it and diverting it when she didn’t.
“He’s good.”
“You love him.”
“Ma…can we not? Relationships are the last thing either of us needs to worry about right now.”
She pulled back. “Me, yes, but not you. My mistakes aren’t yours.”
But what if they were? I wasn’t willing to risk finding out, especially not with Clark. It would hurt too much.
“How about we have breakfast? Let’s eat like pigs today and watch…I don’t know…anti-love movies all day or, oooh, we can plan a trip to TP his house tonight.” Whoever he was. Honestly, I didn’t even know if it was the neighbor or someone else.
“I would love that.”
We followed through with that plan. We made a huge breakfast and drank too much coffee and ate too much food. We watched movies, and with each hour that ticked by, I got more and more nervous. A couple of hours before I needed to meet Clark for the party, I sneaked into my room to call him.
“Hey, you,” he said instead of hello, and my stupid heartbeat picked up.
“Hey…listen, I hate to do this, especially last-minute, but I don’t think I can go today. Mom’s here. She’s having a hard day. She got dumped.”
“Oh no. I’m sorry. Of course, I totally understand.”
Because of course he would. Clark was the best.
“Skylar Davison!” Mom pushed my bedroom door open. “Wherever you’re supposed to be going today, you sure as hell are going.”
“Gee, thanks, Ma. Nice of you to eavesdrop.”
“I wasn’t. I had to pee, and your walls are thin.” She frowned. “Is that Clark?”
“Yes.”
She walked right up to me and plucked the phone from my hand. “He’s coming,” she told Clark. He must have been speaking because she listened. “Thank you. You’re so sweet. I’m fine. What time does Sky need to meet you?”
More listening…but I was letting them. I wasn’t trying to take the phone.
“No. I couldn’t do that. You boys have fun at your party.” More quiet from Mom. “Oh really? I don’t know. I’d be terrible company.”
“Can I have my phone now?” I finally asked, taking it from her hand without waiting for a reply.
Clark said, “Bring your mom. There will be fireworks and all that. Maybe it’ll help cheer her up.” When I didn’t reply right away, he added, “It’s a celebration, Sky. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, but if you do, she’s your family and you’re welcome to bring her.”
It was stupid, maybe the most stupid thing I’d ever done, but right now, I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to spend an evening with my boyfriend—motherfucker, I needed to quit calling him that—with Clark at the Fourth of July party and watch fireworks and see my mom laugh and watch them talk together and pretend my life was something else. “Yeah…okay, if you’re sure.”
“I am.”
At least one of us was.
36
Clark
“Clark, can you bring over the extra chairs?” Mom said as she fussed with a white tablecloth and center floral arrangement at one of the dozens of tables she’d had delivered for the celebration.
Mom had been bossing me around since I arrived a couple of hours ago, but given how nice the setup was—sophisticated, I’d call it—and how much their friends and employees looked forward to this event every year, I’d say it was worth putting up with her fussiness and, let’s face it, excessive organization. I’d obviously inherited it from her, though I wasn’t nearly as bad, was I? I’d totally learned to chill a lot more since reconnecting with Sky. And even after he left, I still dropped a towel or two on my bedroom floor and actually left them there until after work.