Total pages in book: 163
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
“Why is that?”
“I betrayed her.” I hang my head in shame.
“How long has it been since you have been with a woman?”
“Never.”
He raises a brow. “I see.”
I clench my hands into fists. His silence is deafening. Fuck this, it isn’t helping. “I might just go.”
“We’re not finished.” He fires back without hesitation. “Tell me about your first sexual experience.”
I’m not telling him that shit, it’s private. “What does that have to do with Eliza?” I snap.
“Everything is connected. Do you want me to help you work this out?”
Our eyes are locked, and I tilt my chin in annoyance knowing this was a mistake. “Yes.”
“Then, please.” He rolls his hand out. “Continue. Lie back in the chair and relax. We can figure this out but only if we work together.”
I hesitate as I go over my options, there aren’t any, just tell him. “I was fifteen… at summer camp.”
He listens intently.
“I was roomed with a boy. Robert.”
“Had you had any attraction to anyone before this?”
“A male?”
“Either sex, boy or girl.”
I shake my head. “No, I was into sports and…” I shrug, unable to elaborate.
He waits for me to go on, and when I don’t, he prompts me. “Tell me about Robert.”
I exhale heavily, wishing I was anywhere but here. “Robert was…” I smile sadly. “Robert was different to anyone I had ever met. He was funny, kind, and he listened to everything I said.” I inhale deeply. “At the end of our first week of rooming together, we were tight—good friends. We hung out, laughed all day, and we would talk all night.” I hesitate, I hate how this sounds.
“Was there anyone else in the room with the two of you?”
“No.”
“Go on.”
“There was an undercurrent of a different friendship to what I’d ever had before, although I had no idea what it was. He asked me one night if I wanted to play truth or dare.” I smile, remembering it as if it were yesterday. “On the fifth truth question, he asked me if I’d ever kissed anyone, and when I said I hadn’t, he admitted that he hadn’t, either.” I swallow the lump in my throat as my eyes rise to meet Elliot’s.
He gives me a reassuring smile.
“He said that…” I frown. Fuck, I hate this.
“Go on.”
“He suggested that we kissed just once… to practice for when we were with a girl.”
“So… you kissed?”
“Not that night but two nights later. One kiss led to a hundred, and before I knew it, we were making out on the bed.”
“How was it for you?”
“Good at the time. Mortifying the next day. I told him I hated him and that it was all a mistake. We agreed to pretend it never happened, but three nights later, it happened again. Only…”
“Only what?”
“It got more heated.”
“How so?”
“He went down on me.”
“Did you ejaculate?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“How were you after that?”
“Confused.” I frown. “I never saw myself getting a blowjob from a guy. It just…” I shake my head as the emotions from back then flood through me. “It was never on my radar.”
“But…?”
“But I liked it.”
“Why?”
“Because it felt forbidden. Like I was being naughty and had this dark, little secret that nobody would ever know of.”
“So, it happened again?”
“Every day for a week.”
“What happened after that?”
“Feelings started to develop between us. He…” I screw up my face as I remember that time. “He got me, and I got him. We never had labels between us. It wasn’t like that because it felt natural, you know?”
Elliot steeples his hands in front of him. “What happened from there?”
“He asked me if I would be his first, and that our time together was over soon and we would never see each other again, but we would always have this. Our secret. I fucked him.”
“So, you top?”
“Always.” I clench my jaw, angered that I had to say that out loud to a complete stranger…. fuck this, I’m never coming back here again. This is mortifying.
“And that was it?”
“No, we fell in love. It was very special between us.”
He smiles softly.
“We began a long-distance relationship where we would spend weekends and every holiday together.”
He sits back and crosses his legs with his notepad and pen in his hand. “Tell me about that period of your life.”
“It was fucked.” I scratch the back of my hair, surprised by the sudden surge of anger that I feel.
“Why is that?”
“I was in a relationship so I didn’t screw around. I didn’t go out much because I hated how women would hit on me all night and I couldn’t give them an explanation as to why I wasn’t into them.”
“Were you attracted to the girls who hit on you?”
“No.”
“Were you attracted to other men during this time?”
I shake my head. “I only wanted Robert. Nobody else ever caught my eye.”
The room falls silent.
“The deal was that when Robert finished college, he was going to transfer to wherever I was working at the time. His job was transferable, mine was not.” I rub the stubble on my chin as I think back to that time.