Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71082 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71082 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
"You're working yourself into a panic attack," Ruth-Ann says in that calm, practical voice of hers. "Deep breaths. Count to five with each one. You want me to get Ruth?"
I nod and concentrate on breathing. A cold sweat is breaking out over my body, but I know it's because I'm worked up. I breathe. And breathe. My head spins, but Ruth-Ann counts along with me, and after a few minutes, I do start to feel better.
Ruth shows up, her long hair pulled into a messy knot atop her head. She looks furious as she thumps down on the bed next to us. "What's wrong? Who do I need to kill?"
"She's having a panic attack," Ruth-Ann says, rubbing my back as I continue to clutch the pillow like a lifeline. "You know how anxious she gets."
"Do I need to get Kazex?" Ruth asks. "You always—"
"No," I say firmly.
Both of my sisters recoil. "Uh oh," says Ruth. "Trouble in paradise."
"What happened?" Ruth-Ann asks.
"I'm not mad at him. I just...he's going to stay behind with Erzah," I blurt. "Help him run the cantina once it's set up."
"That so? Good for him," Ruth says cheerfully.
"No!" I wail.
"Oh. I take it back." She clenches a fist. "That fucking bastard. How dare he."
Ruth-Ann frowns at both of us. She continues to give my back little pats. "Why is that bad, exactly, Ruthie? You can stay with him, or you can get a room on your own in town. I bet he'd be thrilled if you stayed behind, and you know Erzah's going to need help. He's got Zaemen and Aithar with him, and the guys are really sweet, but you also know how they are."
"Oh man." Ruth chuckles. "Zaemen, Aithar, and Erzah running a bar. It's like the start of a joke. Zaemen will lose the cash box within the first hour, Aithar will sign over his life savings to someone running a pyramid scheme, and Erzah will go into business with the person running the pyramid scheme. And then Kaz will have to break some heads in. God, it's going to be such a mess. Fun to watch, though."
I bite back a flash of anger. Do they not get it? "You don't understand," I say stiffly. "He's going to be here and not with the ship."
"O-kaaaaay...?" Ruth blinks at me. "Help me out here, because pregnancy is eating my brain cells. What am I missing?"
"I'm going to be with you guys!"
Ruth-Ann gives my shoulder a squeeze. "You're panicking because we've been together all this time and you're comfortable now. The thought of that changing frightens you, am I right?"
I choke on another sob and nod, leaning towards her and falling into her arms. Ruth-Ann hugs me tightly. Another hand pats my back, this one an awkward thump from Ruth.
"You can stay," Ruth says. "You know I won't be mad if either of you go, right? We're family, but we can still get together. Straik has this big honking ship and we can come visit all the time."
"And we can comm daily. Group comms." Ruth-Ann gives me a comforting squeeze. "Even if you stayed behind, it's not like you'd be abandoned."
"Look at how often I talk to Alice and Jade and Helen," Ruth adds. "And we're going to visit again very soon. I know the universe is big, but it can also be really small." She gives me a too-cheerful thump on the back. "Besides, you weren't thinking about living in these tiny crew quarters forever, were you? What if you want a family?"
"You guys are my family!" I protest.
"You know what I mean. What if you and Kaz want kids someday?"
God, what if we do? Are we going to raise them on a pirate ship in space? Or in a cantina? The thought is terrifying. I haven't given thought to having kids at all—I'm too busy trying to figure out me. But Ruth is right—the room we have here is barely bigger than a closet. They're tight quarters for two people, and impossible for a family.
"I know you're afraid of change," Ruth-Ann soothes, her touches comforting as she strokes my back and then my arms. "You've come a long way from when you first arrived, haven't you? Maybe it's time to think about what's next."
"I'm terrified of what's next," I admit. "I'm just getting comfortable with right now."
"We've been in limbo for so long that it's hard to think about what's next," Ruth says, her voice gentler than before. "When I was stuck on the Buoyant Star with Jade and the others, we lived from day to day, worried that something else was going to go wrong with the ship that we didn't know how to work. Now that I can think about a future, I want a house. I want someplace quiet to set up as my home. I want a beach house, maybe. I want to settle down somewhere quiet where I won't be overwhelmed with all the aliens in the universe. Straik's going to be on the radar for a while thanks to his mother's issues with the law, so he has to keep his nose clean. That means no more piracy. He'll still need the ship for travel, of course, but it does mean a trimmed-down crew. Erzah's right to plan ahead."