Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 333(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 333(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
She turned and looked at me with a tearstained face. “I’ve spent my whole life wanting you to be happy, to see you connect with someone and let them in. You’re my brother, and you mean the world to me, but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to see you with Ryder, and maybe…maybe that’s not fair because I’m not in love with him anymore, but I can’t help how I feel.”
Jesus, how did this happen? How had we gotten ourselves in this situation? “Your feelings are valid. Christ, Maddy, you have every damn right to feel anything you do. How could you not?” Human emotions were fragile and confusing. She might not love him that way, but she had once; she’d planned to spend her life with him. Now, her own brother had fallen in love with him, fulfilling the role she’d thought hers.
“You should have told me—both of you. I think that’s what hurts the most. If you’d come to me, I don’t think I’d feel so deceived…like you couldn’t be bothered with me. Or like I can’t handle it, the way our parents think I can’t handle anything.”
A frantic, panicky feeling washed over me. My heart clenched as guilt pummeled me. “I didn’t… That’s not…”
“It doesn’t matter what you meant. It’s what you did and how those actions made me feel…from both of you.”
The three of us were all silent for a moment, standing there, me and Ryder watching Maddy, who watched us. “You’re really in love with each other?”
My eyes began to tear up. “I never knew I could feel this way.” I wasn’t sure if that made it better or not.
“Mads…you don’t know how many nights I’ve stayed awake, hoping I could love you the way you deserved to be loved. Even when I came to terms with my sexuality, part of me still wished I could have been who you needed…but I couldn’t…and I do love Hutch. It kills me to hurt you again, but I don’t know how to walk away from him.”
My hand itched to reach for his, to tangle our fingers together the way we so often did, but I forced myself not to. I couldn’t do that now in front of her.
“Then you should be together,” Maddy said softly. The tears were flowing more freely now, even though it was clear she was trying to hold them back. Every time she wiped some away, more took their place. When I took another step to go to her, she shook her head again, that action ripping out my heart again. “Because I know you both, and you’re good men…the best. I could never stand in the way of your happiness, but I can’t…” She rubbed her eyes with her palms, then straightened her spine. “But I can’t see it right now. I’m not ready. I’m going to need some time.” She cleared her throat. “I came over to talk to you about Maddy’s Fight, but I can’t… I don’t want your help with it this year. I’m going to handle it myself.” Maddy’s Fight was the yearly fundraiser we held for childhood cancer. It had been a staple in our lives for years.
With that, she turned for the door again. She just got it pulled open when I said, “Maddy,” and she stopped but didn’t face me. “I love you.”
“I know. Ryder too. And I love y’all.” She walked out.
“Shit. I’m so sorry.” Ryder pulled me into his arms, and I let him, hanging on for dear life. “She’ll come around.”
But did that make it okay? It didn’t change that we’d hurt her. Nothing could ever take that back. It took her five years to talk to Ryder again after the divorce.
I pulled back, buried my emotions under years of other baggage. “I should tell my parents. Maddy won’t, but I just want to get it out there. No more secrets.”
“Okay,” Ryder said. “Let’s do this together.”
“Together,” I confirmed.
20
Ryder
We called both our families to Hutch’s place, each telling them we needed to talk. We didn’t tell them why or that the other would be there. Mine didn’t know whose condo they were going to, just that I needed them there to talk. It was ridiculous to have to go through this much trouble, but we didn’t think we could get them to come otherwise.
And the truth was, I didn’t want to leave Hutch to do this on his own. My parents would be shocked and think it was a bad idea, but they wouldn’t react the way Hutch’s would.
Hutch was restless, agitated and unable to sit still. He was quiet, the heaviness of what his sister had said clearly weighing down his heart. I was worried about him. His breathing picked up at times. He kept rubbing a hand over his chest, and all I could think about was what he’d said about panic attacks in college. I wasn’t sure what to do or say to ease the pain. I felt it too, this ache at the fact that I’d hurt my best friend more than once, that in a way, I’d betrayed her again, but it was different for him. Mads was his sister.