Total pages in book: 196
Estimated words: 180438 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 902(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 601(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180438 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 902(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 601(@300wpm)
There was mention of my mental health, hints that I’d been a cheating partner, and all manner of things that were far from the truth. I was called a fake, a liar, and a user. It was claimed that I was rude and selfish, all things that I have never been.
As the years went by, I was accused of trying to break them up and siccing my fans on Janie. I was painted as a scorned woman who had it out for my ex and his new wife when I didn’t even so much as whisper in his direction. Everything that I had worked so hard to avoid, I had been accused of all the same.
I wasn’t as hurt by their words as I was by Rachel sharing my deepest pain with them because I knew that some of the things that had been said, like the fact that I had been bedridden for months after the breakup and how much my mental health had suffered, right down to how often and for how long I stayed in the hospital each time I had a mental break.
One good thing about my pain diving is that I got to see how my fans, those who knew me best, stuck up for me. They never once wavered, and for me, that was more than enough. By the time I was through, though, I was pissed off and so distracted that when the phone rang, I answered without checking the caller ID.
“Hello!”
“Did you read it all?”
“Yes, I did. Thanks for sending it to me.” I didn’t bother asking how she got ahold of all that information because it seemed pointless. I just had to accept that she and her friends were not your average ten-year-old, and her next words proved to me that I was right.
“It’s fine to kill your enemies with kindness, but you should never neglect yourself.”
“What? What do you mean?” I thought she was taking a dig at me.
“I mean, that being kind to yourself should come first; otherwise, it’s a bit hypocritical, don’t you think?”
I scoff-laughed at her cheekiness, but the way she said it, I knew she was dead serious. I didn’t know if to call her out or just accept that she had a point, and I figured from the stories I’d heard that she wouldn’t care one way or the other. “What is it that you’re asking me to do?”
“You don’t have to do anything but live.” She hung up the phone, and I was almost tempted to believe that someone was playing with me. There’s no way a ten-year-old, no matter how smart, could be that poignant, surely. But her words gave me a lot to think about.
Live! I realized that I hadn’t been doing that since the breakup, that I’d merely been existing as a shadow of my former self. It hit me as I sat there on my bed that she was right, that things had changed now, and I no longer had to hide and lick my wounds.
It was finally setting in that I had won. I think maybe I had been holding my breath to see just what I had won, though, and now when I search my feelings, I feel sure that I had weathered a very bad storm, but now the grey skies were receding to let in the sunlight.
I’ve always been an all-or-nothing kind of girl. And since I had decided to give Ryder another chance, there was no reason for me to hold back. I felt sure in myself that I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again, and I believed that he wouldn’t dare this time around.
I chose to focus on the good times from back then, before the lies that drove us apart, and look forward to all the things we had once promised each other as if picking up from where we left off. It was like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders, and the pressure in my chest was no longer there.
I didn’t even realize that I had been holding back, afraid to take a step forward, but now that I knew the worst of it, there was no longer any reason to keep myself or us hidden. I won’t lie; with my decision, a small part of me wanted revenge. That part of me wanted my enemies to suffer; I wanted them to see that we were back together, and this time for good.
I was so excited I picked up the phone to call Ryder, but it went straight to voicemail. That didn’t deter me, though. We’ve never held each other back from posting things about ourselves as a couple if we felt like it, and besides, I wasn’t planning on having the same relationship as the first time around.