Total pages in book: 196
Estimated words: 180438 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 902(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 601(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180438 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 902(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 601(@300wpm)
***
*Janie*
What the hell is she thanking me for, and why the hell does that Jessica person always seem to be lurking around corners? How did she know I’d sent out that text? It’s not like I posted it online. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she had my phone bugged or something, but it hasn’t been out of my sight since she got here, so that can’t be right.
Still, what was that cryptic message all about? Whatever! My head was too tired to think about it now, and besides, I had more pressing matters on my mind, like how to get my phone back from that idiot and, better yet, how to get her the hell out of my house.
My life has become some kind of cheesy B-movie; how else would you explain me being stuck here like this with her? And more, in what universe would she have the upper hand out of us two?
My heart hurt, and I had to rub the pain away. There was too much misfortune of late. None of the things I’d been promised had come true. Well, they had for a time, but not long enough. Had I known that things would turn out this way, I would’ve prepared better. But how was I to know that the rug would be pulled out from under me so suddenly?
If I think too hard about where I am now compared to where I was just a few short weeks ago, I’d make myself crazy, but there was nothing left for me to do without my phone to distract me but think.
I shied away from any thoughts of my own wrongdoing. Everything I did was for self-preservation, something that we all do, and I refuse to feel any guilt over it. I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last, and all those people who are burning me at the proverbial stake could kiss my ass; as if they’d have done any different given the chance.
They’re probably just mad that my life was so much better than theirs. That thought helped me from tumbling down the rabbit hole of despair, but it didn’t last long, not as it used to in the past when I looked down on the people around me, all those mewling young girls who wished they could get close to Ryder.
The feeling left just as quickly as it came once reality set in. The whole world now knows the truth, or they soon will. I thought I’d get some pleasure out of sending Elena that message, but that hadn’t lasted long either.
I was still here, still feeling like hell, and now without my phone. I yelled out to her to bring me my shit back because I didn’t have the energy to hunt her down. The need for a little pick me up was hitting me hard. I remember the days when I could get high on demand, and for some reason, that was the thing that brought me to tears.
I didn’t know before now that I had an addiction. Drugs were always just available anytime I wanted, so I’ve never felt this pain. I just need something, anything, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this feeling go away.
With Ryder gone, my dad would be the one to help me. He’s the one who got me into them in the first place, but he was locked up somewhere in L.A. another failure. I’m alone; I’m all alone, staring at the old, dingy walls of my childhood. How did I get back here?
A stupid voice whispered the word karma in my ear, but I brushed it away. What karma, for what? I didn’t do anything when you think about it. Everything was done by others; I was just the one who stood to benefit. But it’s not like I went out and did anything.
I didn’t force Ryder to believe my lies about her. If he was so in love as they thought they were, he wouldn’t have believed me in the first place. He wanted it just as much as I did.
So why did he never touch me? Why did he look at me with such disgust and loathing from the very first day after we said our vows? Why did I never get one day with him where she wasn’t a specter in our lives?
How is it fair that they’re back together after all this time? All that damage had been done for nothing. I’d wasted the last five years of my life putting on an act for the world while living in misery. I felt hot tears roll down my cheek as I finally accepted the truth.
It doesn’t matter if my message causes a rift between them; he’s never going to look at me the way he looks at her. Not once has he ever stood up for me or defended me. And yet, he’d gone before the whole world and apologized to her, proclaimed his undying love for her while denying that he ever had any feelings for me. How the hell am I supposed to live with that?