Total pages in book: 47
Estimated words: 46599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 233(@200wpm)___ 186(@250wpm)___ 155(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 46599 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 233(@200wpm)___ 186(@250wpm)___ 155(@300wpm)
“Okay….”
He trails off, his voice gruff, giving nothing away.
It’s impossible for me to tell if he’s angry or interested or what. Only the way he said my name, just now, was heavy with emotion. It was like he was as happy to hear my voice as I was to hear his.
But now, I’m not sure if I imagined that part.
I have to end this before it begins.
“Has Alex invited you to the dinner yet?” I ask, turning and pacing up and down my room.
My hand is shaking. My chest feels like it’s too tight from the way my heart keeps pounding. I wish it would slow down, just like I wish my body would stop pouring sweat.
My core screams inside of me, telling me I’m making a mistake. I need to stop. I can’t end things with Ben.
But what am I ending, really?
“Yeah,” Ben said. “I’m guessing he’s invited you too.”
I drop onto the end of the bed, staring at the carpet – the fabric shifts and wobbles from side to side. I wipe at my face, at the stupid, pointless tears, making the whole room shimmery.
“I was thinking about it,” I say.
“The party?”
“What else?” I snap, with way too much anger in my voice. “We’re going to be…well, it’s going to be awkward, isn’t it?”
A pause. I wonder what he’s thinking?
Is it about a little boy or girl, with his eyes and my hair and a combination of our laughter? Does our child have a camera on a strap around their neck, their face bright with a stunning smile?
I smooth my hand over my belly, telling myself I can’t feel it, the way my gut tightens, as though hinting at a life he’s going to give me one day.
“I guess it could,” he mutters.
“But we can’t let that happen,” I say quickly. “We have to do everything to, sort of, well….”
This is the part I’ve been building up to, the part when I tell him we have to end whatever this is. But now the moment’s here; the words won’t come out. It’s like there’s a blockage inside of me.
It’s like there’s a small piece of me that thinks this can work. When it can’t. Ever.
“We have to pretend nothing ever happened,” I say in a rush, betraying every instinct I possess.
My belly gives a twist as though telling me to stop.
“I’m guessing you got my number from Alex,” he replies after a long pause.
His voice is unreadable, his tone dark, but not darker than usual. It’s like my words haven’t even registered with him.
He’s more interested in how I got his number.
“Yes, I looked at his phone.”
“I hate that he’s your brother, Becca.” He sighs. “If he wasn’t….”
Then we could have a house together. Then you’d get on one knee and say you loved me. Then all my dreams would come true.
The rush of thoughts hits me powerfully, despite me knowing how ludicrous it all is.
We shared one kiss. I told him I was a virgin to make him understand I couldn’t give him what he wanted, not if what he wants is wild sex.
“But he is,” I mutter.
“But he is,” Ben repeats gravely. “I know.”
“So, you agree? We’ll pretend nothing ever happened?”
The pause is longer this time. It makes me wonder about all the things he could be thinking. His mind could be overflowing with all the love we could share. I remember the way he stared at me across the elevator when he said he didn’t care about my virginity.
There was a glint in his eyes. It was like he was understating his feelings.
He wanted me, wants me. And he cares.
Doesn’t he?
Suddenly, I regret my plan, even if I know that’s crazy. It’s the right thing to do.
If he cared, would he fight for me? Or would he put Alex first, like I’m trying to, and let me end it?
I might never know how he really feels.
“If that’s what you want,” he growls, finally giving me an answer.
“It’s not about what I want,” I say, pressing the phone too hard against my ear. “It’s about what we have to do. Imagine if I told Alex about the kiss. Imagine if I told him about all the other stuff.”
“Are you going to?”
“What would you say if I said yes?”
“I’d say I want to be there when you do. I’d say we should tell him together.”
I huff. “Tell him what, though? That we kissed? That we….”
“Want to do more,” he snarls.
The thought makes my world tip upside down. I try to imagine Alex smiling when he learned the news, patting me on the shoulder and telling me, “No problem, sis.”
But all I can see is how dark his expression would get, his frown deep, his rage clear in his narrowed eyes. “How could you do this….”
“I can’t tell him,” I whisper.