Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81423 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81423 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
He looked down, and I could see him taking deep breaths. Then, then he tilted his head up again, his eyes on the camera, and I swear to Christ, it felt like he was looking at me through it.
“The fact that I’m a proud gay man,” Remy replied.
There were gasps and whispers from the audience before they broke into applause.
“Holy fuck. I can’t believe he did that,” I said.
“Wait…is he…? Are you guys…?” Phil asked.
But all I could do was watch Remy.
“It took me a long time to be able to say that to…well, to anyone except one person. There are all sorts of reasons for that—internalized homophobia I never realized I had, my family, my career, my mental health—but it was going to break me. It was slowly eating away at me. I felt like those leaves, you see, the ones where bugs eat away at them, little holes here and there until eventually there’s nothing left. There was only one place I ever really felt whole.”
And then he smiled, fucking smiled this big, bright Remy smile that had always belonged to me, in those moments when we were in bed together or talking or holding each other.
I stood and walked over to the TV, needing to feel closer to him.
“Where was that?” Casey asked.
“I fell in love in one night, at eighteen years old. He loved me before I was Remington. He loves Remy. He was the one who uploaded online the first video of me singing. He’s the one who inspires the words of most of my songs. But I had never fully given myself to him. We had hotel nights.”
The audience gasped, obviously connecting that with the song.
“But I was so damn scared of losing music and being real about who I was, that I lost him. I recently got him back, and it’s like I’m becoming solid again, like I haven’t been real for years, but then, I could never be fully flesh and bones while I kept it all inside, ya know?”
Casey wiped tears from her eyes.
I did too.
“He sounds like a very special man,” Casey said.
“He sees more in me than I’ll ever believe is there…but he makes me want to. He makes me want to be whole not just for him, but for myself too. He makes me feel like maybe I deserve it.”
“You do.” Casey reached over and hugged him.
There was another commercial break. The room was silent. I couldn’t move from where I stood, my eyes firmly on the television.
He’d done it. He’d come out in a really fucking big way. More than that, Remy wanted to fight for his happiness. To be whole. I’d never loved him more than I did in that moment, and not because of what he said about me, but because of what he wanted for himself.
The show started again, and Remy spoke about his anxiety and depression—the latter I’d never heard him admit. He spoke about the pressure from the industry and how he didn’t know what would happen, for him or his career, but that he would find a way to be okay with wherever the road led him.
He said he’d begun speaking with a therapist through video chat, and that they only had one session, but it would be a regular occurrence.
Casey told him how important what he was doing was, not only for him, but because he had a voice. That maybe there were people out there watching and learning it was okay if they were gay and it was okay if they had depression or anxiety.
There was another commercial break, and when the show came back on, Remy was sitting on a stool, guitar in hand, a mic in front of him.
“The, um…the first time I ever played publicly anywhere other than my church, it was at a little coffeehouse in Charlottesville. I noticed Law right away—that’s, um…my guy. I can’t remember if I said that already. If you saw him, you’d understand. He’s…beautiful. He watched me as I played. Afterward, I went outside and had a panic attack. I have them often before or after I perform, but then he was there, this man who didn’t know me, talking me through it, and I realized he was even more beautiful on the inside than he was on the outside.”
My vision was blurry. My heart was pounding. Christ, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack myself.
“This is a new song. It’s called ‘Soft Place to Fall.’” And then Remy opened his mouth and sang.
I could spend hours watchin’ you sleep
See the shadows dance across your skin
Wishin’, dreamin’, hopin’ not to lose you
That this is a battle I find a way to win
Bein’ with you is light
When the rest of my life is in the dark
All it took was one look, one night