Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81423 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81423 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
The song ended when I pulled up at Knox’s place. The second I opened the car door, Bear wormed his too-big body through the too-small space, stepping on my balls as he jumped out of the truck. I groaned. “Fuck. Thanks, buddy,” I grumbled, getting out too.
I passed the house and went straight for Knox’s workshop, where I knew he would be. It was an old barn he’d converted so he’d have a place to work on the wood carvings he did. The guy could carve almost any damn thing.
He was working when I stepped inside. He looked up from the large piece of wood in front of him and smiled beneath his dark beard. “Hey, man. How’s it going?”
“Not too bad.” I sat on a stool across from him. “I swear you’re like this sexy lumberjack. Looks good.” I pointed toward the ship he was carving.
“Thanks on both accounts. Not used to you calling me sexy.”
It wasn’t the kind of thing I would have said to him before telling him I was bi. “Does it bother you?”
He frowned. “No. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. Just feels…I don’t know, like you were hiding a part of yourself, and I hate that you felt you had to.”
The first thing I thought about was Remy, this heavy cloak of sadness weighing me down. “Nah, don’t worry. It never really felt like I was hiding myself. I just…I don’t know. After everything that happened with Remy before, I sort of ignored the fact that I was into guys unless I was about to fuck one.”
Knox chuckled, leaning forward, his elbows resting on the table. “You’re in love with this guy, huh?”
I nodded. Acknowledging it to Remy was one thing, but to my friends, it was different. Made it more real, because if things went south again, they would know. It would be something they’d want to talk about, or hell, even if they didn’t, they’d look at me and I’d know. They wouldn’t let me hide. The first time had been easier. I could wear a mask, laugh and get on with my life, and no one knew I was broken inside. Then, then I’d finally moved on—or so I thought—and now Remy was back.
“Fuck, Knoxy. I’m scared as shit. I hate even acknowledging that, but hell, I’m afraid it’s going to be like last time. Remy has never been out. He has his family—a mom who’s religious and freaks out if there are ever gay rumors about him; plus, his career… What the fuck would I do if he chose that over me? And even worse, what if he really does choose me and then loses people he loves or the career that means more to him than anything. I swear his soul is made up of music.”
Knox stood, walked over to the mini-fridge, and pulled out two bottles of beer. He handed one to me, which I opened immediately and took a swallow.
“I don’t know… I’m maybe not the best to go to for shit like this. My ex-wife used to tell me that I don’t know how to let people in, and I’m not good at the emotional shit, but…if he chooses you, it’s just that, his choice. That means you’re worth it to him. If he loses someone or something because of it, that’s shitty, but he knows what’s at stake and picks you. That’s somethin’ special.
“The family thing is harder, but no matter what, he can’t lose music. I admit, I’m coming at this from a place of privilege because it’s not something I’ve ever had to deal with, but people forget, and most people won’t care. It might stir up some dust for a while, but it’ll blow over. There are other gay musicians, and if something does happen and his career doesn’t recover, no one can take music away from him. That’ll always be his.”
Logically, I knew he was right, but that didn’t mean I wanted Remy to lose anything because of me. He had a family to take care of, and music was his passion. But even more than that, Remy was the one hiding. He’d always been hiding and so damn alone. How would it feel if he lost the few things he had because of me? It would devastate me to have him walk away from me and know he would spend the rest of his life alone.
“Fuck me, love is hard. Remind me again why we do this?”
Knox held up his beer. “You can say that again, brother.” He took a drink, then paused and looked at me. “I figure people do it because when it’s right, nothing else matters. Nothing else compares.” He shrugged. “Or I assume, as I haven’t gotten that shit right yet.”
We laughed.
“Eh, you never know. It wasn’t that long ago we were in Griff’s and I was saying I’d never get serious about anyone.” Of course, that had been because I’d gotten my heart broken the first time, but still.