Total pages in book: 136
Estimated words: 131789 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 659(@200wpm)___ 527(@250wpm)___ 439(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 131789 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 659(@200wpm)___ 527(@250wpm)___ 439(@300wpm)
“You think?” My chest tightens painfully. “I poured my heart out to you in my last message. And you responded with fucking ‘unsubscribe.’ That hurt.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He leans against the fence and runs a hand through his hair. “I regretted it the moment I sent it, if that helps.”
“It doesn’t, no.” I’m having a hard time tearing my gaze off him. It’s unfair. How the way he smells reminds me of being in bed together. Or the way I love the shade of his eyes in the sunlight.
“I should probably have come up with a better explanation by now, but I was just an asshole. Not only for the text, but the way I blew up at you in the woods. This is all new territory for me,” he says gruffly. “I didn’t know how to handle these feelings and I snapped. I said awful things to you that I didn’t mean. And it wasn’t about the sex, not really. It was the lying. That’s the part that hurt. The jealousy and outrage and whatever else, it was mostly a cover for what I was really feeling. Hearing you guys decide to lie to me triggered this wave of hurt I didn’t expect.”
My heart clenches. Because he’s right. It was hurtful. I know if I’d walked up and heard the two people I was closest to make a pact to keep me in the dark about something, I probably wouldn’t have reacted much differently.
“I know, and that’s why I’ve been sending you essay-length apologies for days,” I say ruefully. “And for what it’s worth, it didn’t sit right with me at all. I didn’t want to lie. But Fenn had already panicked and told you it never happened, so I kind of got put in a corner. I’m not trying to make excuses, though.”
“I know. I get it.” RJ shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.”
“No,” I agree. “But I get it, too.”
“That conversation might have gone differently if I hadn’t let my pride get in the way,” he finishes, shrugging wryly.
As much as his words from that day still sting, I do know where he’s coming from. Neither of us is overly experienced in functional relationships. Our emotions tend to sneak up on us. We spend so much time fighting them, it comes as a real shock to the system when they burst forward. Like him, I’ve succumbed to my worst impulses a time or two.
“We have that in common.” There’s almost nothing worse than showing weakness, especially to someone with the power to hurt you. It becomes a weapon. Which puts us on the defensive. “I blew up at my dad the other day.”
RJ raises his eyebrows at me.
“It didn’t go well.”
“You okay?”
“I don’t know.”
Truthfully, I haven’t felt like myself in a while, so I’m not sure I remember what the baseline looks like anymore. What to compare myself to. This year has been one massive upheaval after another and it’s left me completely scrambled.
“Listen, I can’t promise not to screw up again,” RJ says. “We know I’m prone to bouts of idiocy. But I can promise not to screw up the same way twice. I won’t let my jealousy and insecurities get in the way again. You have my word.”
He takes my hand to entwine our fingers, rubbing soft circles against my skin with his thumb. It’s a mesmerizing sensation that reminds me how much I miss touching him.
“I still don’t think I understand how much I care about you. It surprises me on a daily basis.” His features soften. “This isn’t anything I’ve had with someone before and, so far, I’m doing a shit job of handling it. I just need you to understand it’s because I’m an emotionally stunted moron and not because I’m not madly in love with you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in years.”
I eye him in amusement. “Madly in love with me, huh?”
“I mean. Maybe a little.” One corner of his mouth quirks up bashfully, and it’s so adorable I can hardly stand it. “Is that something you can get on board with?”
It’s impossible to control my pulse. It kicks off in a gallop, making my knees feel weak.
Can I get on board with RJ loving me?
With loving him back?
When I don’t answer right away, RJ continues.
“I know you think you have to be strong for everyone else, that nobody has your back, but that’s not true, Sloane. Your sister’s got your back. I do. You’ve got people in your life who love you. And you don’t have to go it alone all the time. If you’ll let me, I’d be proud to be by your side.”
As I meet his earnest gaze, I remember what’s it like when we spend hours talking. How he’s the only person who’s ever understood me. The only person who seems to really see me, who recognizes I struggle sometimes and lets me lean on him. It’s this innate frequency we both share. I feel it now and it’s like returning to my own bed. Familiar and perfect. I’d know it in the dark.