Total pages in book: 96
Estimated words: 91213 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 456(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 304(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91213 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 456(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 304(@300wpm)
“To me it is,” she whispers sadly. “Don’t you get it? I have a filter on my perception and it taints everything. There is no clarity for me. It’s all a jumbled mess of confusion, and the only thing I know with any measure of certainty is that I can lead a solid life by myself. It’s not too happy, but it’s definitely not too painful. It’s self-preservation, and I know I’m good at that.”
I just stare at her, unable to even form words. This obviously goes deeper than I thought or could comprehend.
Stephanie takes a deep breath in, dabs at her tears again, and exhales. “Lucas…for a person who’s never had care and support, it can feel smothering to me. For a person who’s never had to ask for help, it makes me feel guilty when I get it. And yet you’re the one person in my life that I’ve ever considered taking a very scary risk and opening myself up to. But I’m finding that it might be more than I can truly accomplish. I’m a complete garbled mess of emotions, trying to deal with the loss of a job, an unplanned pregnancy, and a wonderful guy who I can’t let in all the way, and frankly…I think I’m a complete failure at all of it.”
“You’re not. We can work through this. I swear you can do this, Stephy.” But my words sound hollow in the face of what she’s saying.
“No,” she says, shaking her head so hard in denial her hair flies around her face. “How can we work it out when I was so happy to see you when you got here and in a matter of minutes, you’re suddenly overwhelming me? I can’t do it, Lucas. Don’t you see…I’m not built for this.”
Suddenly I’m tired of hearing about her weaknesses. She’s made so much progress over the weeks, and she’s letting it all just go on what seems to me to be a whim.
“Bullshit,” I yell at her, and her mouth snaps shut as her eyes go wide. “I’ve never met anyone more built to have a relationship…to fall in love. But you’re so wrapped up in how bad your life was and spending so much time fortifying your fucking walls you’re forgetting to remember that doesn’t define who you really are if you don’t want it to. And don’t you dare tell me you don’t have the capacity to feel, because I see it in your eyes every time you talk about our baby. You have plenty of feeling inside of you.”
She just stares at me, soaking in my words, so I don’t let up. If she wants to have frank words, it’s now or never.
“I’m falling for you hard, Stephanie,” I tell her softly. “I was a fool to ever think this could stay casual…not when you’re carrying my child and not when you’re calling out my name when you orgasm. And I’m sorry, since it seems we’re laying this all out on the table, I’m just going to go ahead and say it…I want everything from you.”
“Everything?” she rasps out, panic gripping her expression.
“Everything,” I growl out to her, and I fucking go for broke. “I want love. I want marriage. I want a family with three kids. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want us to take a station wagon to Yellowstone with our kids, and I want you at all my games cheering me on. I want an entire life with you, and eternity beyond that as well. I want it all, Stephanie. I’ve always wanted all of that, but I know I want it with only you.”
“Oh God,” she wheezes with her hand against her chest. She stumbles backward and sits down on the arm of the couch, her eyes staring blankly at the carpet. I wait for her to say something. To look at me. Fuck…anything other than this silence that’s actually so loud it hurts my ears.
“Is that all you have to say?” I ask her quietly. “Oh God?”
Her eyes come to mine, swimming with fresh tears. “I had a nice talk with your dad during the game a few days ago.”
This, I wasn’t expecting and I blink in surprise.
“He told me something I really already knew deep down,” she murmurs. “And that’s you’re a man who is all or nothing. When you choose to do something, your heart and soul are behind it.”
“That’s right,” I admit hesitantly.
“You see,” she says in a small voice filled with misery. “A man like that, well, he needs the same in return. He needs a woman who gives it her all and is willing to expose her heart and soul to do so.”
She lets the words hang heavy in the air, and no amount of wishful thinking will turn them into something else. She doesn’t respond to those things I laid at her feet with great sanctity such as love, marriage, kids, and a happily ever after. She says nothing more, and that says it all.